Welcome to Lost in the Sauce, keeping you caught up on political and legal news that often gets buried in distractions and theater… or a global health crisis.
Figuring out how to divide the COVID-19 content from the “regular” news has been difficult because the pandemic is influencing all aspects of life. Some of the stories below involve the virus, but I chose to include them when it fits into one of the pre-established categories (like congress or immigration). The coronavirus-central post will be made again this Thursday-Friday; the sign up form now has an option to choose to receive an email when the coronavirus-focused roundup is posted.
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Let’s dig in!

MAIN COURSE

Congress passes stimulus

Last week started out with a Republican-crafted stimulus bill that was twice-blocked by Senate Democrats, who objected to the lax conditions of aid to corporations, too little funding for hospitals, and a $500 billion “slush fund” for big companies to be doled out by Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin with no oversight.
Conservative-Democrat Joe Manchin (WV) even criticized the GOP bill:

“It fails our first responders, nurses, private physicians and all healthcare professionals. ... It fails our workers. It fails our small businesses… Instead, it is focused on providing billions of dollars to Wall Street and misses the mark on helping the West Virginians that have lost their jobs through no fault of their own.”

Through negotiations, Democrats shifted the bill in a more-worker friendly direction. The version that passed includes the following Democrat-added provisions: expanded unemployment benefits, $100 billion for hospitals, $150 billion for state and local governments, direct payments to Americans without a phase-in (ensuring low-income workers get the full amount), a ban on Trump and his children from receiving aid, and oversight on the “slush fund” (see next section for more info). Senate Democrats also managed to remove a provision that would have excluded nonprofits that receive Medicaid funding from the small-business grants.

• Further reading: After Senate Democrats blocked the Republican-crafted bill, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi led the House Democrats in releasing their own version, a best-case scenario of their dream coronavirus stimulus bill. It is interesting to contrast what the Democrats prioritized to what the Republicans focused on: “How the House Democrats' stimulus plan compares to the Senate's”

Echoing sentiments expressed during debate on the previous coronavirus bill (the second, for those keeping track), Republican senators derided the $600 a week increase in unemployment payments as “incentivizing” workers to quit their jobs. Sens. Ben Sasse (Neb.), Rick Scott (Fla.), Tim Scott (S.C.) and Lindsey Graham (S.C.) delayed passage of the bill in order to force a vote on an amendment removing the extra unemployment funding. "This bill pays you more not to work than if you were working," Graham said. Fortunately for American workers, the amendment failed and the improved bill passed the Senate and the House.

• Note: In 2009 only three Republicans helped Obama pass his stimulus bill in his first month in office.

The giveaways in the bill

While Senate Democrats were able to add worker-friendly provisions, the bill still required bipartisan support to pass the chamber and some corporate giveaways remained in the final version.

• NYT: “Senate Republicans inserted an easy-to-overlook provision on page 203 of the 880-page bill that would permit wealthy investors to use losses generated by real estate to minimize their taxes on profits from things like investments in the stock market. The estimated cost of the change over 10 years is $170 billion.”
  
• NYT: “...if a company owns multiple hotels, even if the overall hotel or restaurant chain has more than 500 employees — the limit to qualify for treatment as a small business — it will still be able to take advantage of the small-business benefits offered in the rescue package. ...The provision could benefit the Trump Organization, which operates a relatively small chain, with six hotels in the United States in cities including New York, Washington and Chicago.”
  

Politico:

• “A provision for the FDA to approve ‘innovative’ sunscreens—which would benefit L’Oreal, which has operations in Kentucky—appeared in the bill, which was steered in the Senate by Majority Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky.”
  
• “The $25 billion allocated in loans and loan guarantees for the airlines will also benefit eligible businesses "approved to perform inspection, repair, replace, or overhaul services, and ticket agents.” The last two words — ‘ticket agents’ — mean that travel agents who book flights will also be able to apply for a piece of the $25 billion.”
  
• “The credit reporting industry got a win by defeating a total ban on negative credit reports during the crisis. Instead, a watered down version made it into the final bill: Consumers wouldn't get a negative credit report if they have an agreement with a lender to delay payments or make partial payments.”
  

Trump’s signing statement

While signing the latest coronavirus relief bill, the president also issued a signing statement undercutting the congressional oversight provision creating an inspector general to track how the administration distributes the $500 billion “slush fund” money.
The newly-created inspector general is legally required to audit loans and investments made through the fund and report to Congress his/her findings, including any refusal by the executive office to cooperate. In his signing statement, Trump wrote that his understanding of constitutional powers allows him to gag the special IG:

"I do not understand, and my Administration will not treat, this provision as permitting the [inspector general] to issue reports to the Congress without the presidential supervision required" by Article II of the Constitution.

The signing statement further suggests that Trump does not have to comply with a provision requiring that agencies consult with Congress before it spends or reallocates certain funds: "These provisions are impermissible forms of congressional aggrandizement with respect to the execution of the laws," the statement reads.
While some have said that Congress fell short in this instance, one Democratic Senate aide told Politico that Congress built in multiple layers of oversight, including “a review of other inspectors general and a congressional review committee charged with overseeing Treasury and the Federal Reserve's efforts to implement the law.”
Legal experts have pointed out that a signing statement is “without legal effect.” But that ignores the fact that oversight is not equal to enforcement. The problem, in my opinion, isn’t that Congress won’t be notified of any abuses of power by Trump. The problem is that congressional Republicans and the judiciary have largely failed to hold him accountable and enforce our laws even after learning of his abuses.

Concerns about the IG

Another potential weakness in the oversight structure is the inspector general position itself. The special inspector general for pandemic recovery, known by the acronym S.I.G.P.R., is nominated by the president and confirmed by the Republican-controlled Senate. As we’ve seen from Trump’s previous nominees, particularly judicial, many unqualified individuals have been confirmed. The Democrats will not have the power to stop the president and Mitch McConnell from jamming through a loyalist to fill the SIGPR role.

Former inspector general at the Justice Department Michael Bromwich: “The signing statement threatens to undermine the authority and independence of this new IG. The Senate should extract a commitment from the nominee that Congress will be promptly notified of any Presidential/Administration interference or obstruction.”

You may recall that Trump has already proven that he’s willing to interfere with the legally-mandated work of an inspector general. When the Ukraine whistleblower filed a complaint last year, the IG of the Intelligence Community, Michael Atkinson, investigated and determined the complaint to be “urgent” and “credible.” Atkinson wrote a report and gave it to Director of National Intelligence Joseph Maguire to hand over to Congress. However, the White House and DOJ interfered and instructed Maguire not to transmit the report to the Senate and House Intelligence Committees. Chairman Adam Schiff had to subpoena Maguire to turn over the report and testify before his committee.
Further, there are already five IG vacancies in agencies that have a critical role in responding to the pandemic. The Treasury itself has not had a permanent, Senate-confirmed IG for over eight months now, and Trump hasn’t nominated a replacement. The Treasury Dept. has taken a lead role in the coronavirus response, with Secretary Mnuchin handling most of the negotiating with Congress on Trump’s behalf. The fact that the lead agency doesn’t have IG oversight should be troublesome in itself; replicating the situation with a special IG doesn’t seem to be a promising solution.

• The other four coronavirus-related agencies without a permanent IG: Department of Health and Human Services’ IG has been vacant for nine months, Department of Defense’s IG has been vacant for four years, Department of Education’s IG has been vacant for one year, and Office of Personnel Management’s IG has been vacant for four years. Overall, there are twelve IG vacancies in the 37) presidentially-appointed offices.

UPDATE: The nation's inspectors general have appointed Glenn Fine, the Pentagon's acting IG, to lead the committee of IGs overseeing the coronavirus relief effort.

This is one of several oversight mechanisms built into the new law. They include:
A committee of IGs (now led by Fine), a new special IG (to be nominated by Trump), a congressional review panel (to be appointed by House/Senate leaders)

Direct payments

Included in the stimulus bill is a $1200 one-time direct payment for all Americans who made less than $75,000 in 2019 (less than $150,000 if couples filed jointly). More details can be found here. I have read that the Treasury will use 2018 information for those who have not filed yet this year, but I am not 100% sure that’ll happen.
Mnuchin has said that Americans can expect to receive the money within three weeks, but many experts expect that timetable to be pushed into late April. Additionally, that only applies to Americans who included direct deposit information on their 2019 tax returns. Those who did not include their bank’s information will have to be sent a physical check in the mail… which could take anywhere from two to four months.
Other options are being discussed, including partnering the Treasury Dept. with MasterCard and Visa to deliver prepaid debit cards. Venmo and Paypal are reportedly lobbying the government to be considered as a disbursement option.
Future payments?
House Speaker Pelosi is already planning another wave of direct payments to Americans, saying that the $1,200 is not enough to mitigate the economic effects of the pandemic: “I don’t think we’ve seen the end of direct payments.” Republicans, meanwhile, are taking a ‘wait and see’ approach, using the next couple of weeks to measure the impact of the $2 trillion bill passed last week.

House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy: “What concerns me is when I listen to Nancy Pelosi talk about a fourth package now, it’s because she did not get out of things that she really wanted...I’m not sure you need a fourth package...Let’s let this work ... We have now given the resources to make and solve this problem. We don’t need to be crafting another bill right now.”
For the fourth legislative package, Democrats have said they would like to see increased food stamp benefits; increased coverage for coronavirus testing, visits to the doctor and treatment; more money for state and local governments, including Washington, D.C.; expanded family and medical leave; pension fixes; and stronger workplace protections.

Trump’s signature
Normally, a civil servant signs federal checks, like the direct payments Americans are set to receive. According to a Wall Street Journal report, Trump has told people that he wants his signature to appear on the stimulus checks.

THE SIDES

War on the poor continues

Amid the coronavirus crisis, Trump has defended his continued support of a Republican-led lawsuit to dismantle the Affordable Care Act, which would result in 20 million Americans losing health insurance if successful. The Supreme Court agreed to hear arguments in the case this fall. Contrasting with his position that the ACA is illegal, Trump is considering reopening enrollment on HealthCare.gov, allowing millions of uninsured individuals to get coverage before potentially incurring charges and fees related to COVID-19.
Joe Biden called on Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, who is leading the charge against the ACA, and President Trump to drop the lawsuit:

“At a time of national emergency, which is laying bare the existing vulnerabilities in our public health infrastructure, it is unconscionable that you are continuing to pursue a lawsuit designed to strip millions of Americans of their health insurance and protections under the Affordable Care Act (ACA), including the ban on insurers denying coverage or raising premiums due to pre-existing conditions.”

The Trump administration is also pushing forward with its plan to kick 700,000 people off federal food stamp assistance, known as SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program). The USDA announced two weeks ago that the department will appeal Judge Beryl Howell’s recent decision that the USDA’s work mandate rule is “arbitrary and capricious."
Additionally: The Social Security Administration has no plans to slow down a rule change set for June that will limit disability benefits, the Department of Health and Human Services still intends to reduce automatic enrollment in health coverage, and the Department of Housing and Urban Development will continue the process to enact a rule that would make it harder for renters to sue landlords for racial discrimination.

Lawmakers’ stock transactions

The Justice Department and Securities and Exchange Commission are beginning to investigate stock transactions made ahead of the economic crisis caused by the coronavirus pandemic. CNN reports that the inquiry has already reached out to Senator Richard Burr for information. “Under insider trading laws, prosecutors would need to prove the lawmakers traded based on material non-public information they received in violation of a duty to keep it confidential,” a task that won’t be easy.
Sen. Burr is facing another consequence of his trades: Alan Jacobson, a shareholder in Wyndham Hotels and Resorts, sued Burr for allegedly using private information to instruct a mass liquidation of his assets. Among the shares he sold were an up to $150,000 stake in Wyndham, whose stock suffered a market-value cut of more than two-thirds since mid-February.

Environmental rollbacks

Using the pandemic as cover, the Trump administration has begun to more aggressively roll back regulations meant to protect the environment. These are examples of what Naomi Klein dubbed “the shock doctrine”: the phenomenon wherein polluters and their government allies push through unpopular policy changes under the smokescreen of a public emergency.
On Thursday, the EPA announced (non-paywalled) an expansive relaxation of environmental laws and fines, exempting companies from consequences for pollution. Under the new rules, there are basically no rules. Companies are asked to “act responsibly” but are not required to report when their facilities discharge pollution into the air or water. Just five days before abandoning any pollution oversight, the oil industry’s largest trade group implored the administration for assistance, stating that social distancing measures caused a steep drop in demand for gasoline.

• Monday morning update: In an interview with Fox News this morning, Trump said he was going to call Putin after the interview to discuss the Saudi-Russia oil fight. A consequence of this "battle" has been plummeting prices in the U.S. making it difficult for domestic companies (like shale extraction) to turn a profit. It's striking that the day after Dr. Fauci told Americans we can expect 100,000 to 200,000 deaths from COVID-19 (if we keep social distancing measures in place), Trump's first action is to talk to Fox News and his second action is to intervene in an international tiff on behalf of the oil and gas industry.

Gina McCarthy, who led the E.P.A. under the Obama administration, called the rollback “an open license to pollute.” Cynthia Giles, who headed the EPA enforcement division during the Obama administration, said “it is so far beyond any reasonable response I am just stunned.”
The EPA is also moving forward with a widely-opposed rule to limit the types of scientific studies used when crafting new regulations or revising current ones. Hidden behind claims of increased transparency, the rule would require disclosure of all raw data used in scientific studies. This would disqualify many fields of research that rely on personal health information from individuals that must be kept confidential. For example, studies that show air pollution causes premature deaths or a certain pesticide is linked to birth defects would be rejected under the proposed rule change.
Officials and scientists are calling upon the EPA to extend the time for comment on the regulatory changes, arguing that the public is unable to express their opinion while dealing with the pandemic.

“These rollbacks need and deserve the input of our public health community, but right now, they are rightfully focused on responding to the coronavirus,” said Representative Frank Pallone of New Jersey, the chairman of the House Energy and Commerce Committee.

Other controversial decisions being made:

• A former EPA official who worked on controversial policies returned as Administrator Andrew Wheeler’s chief of staff. Mandy Gunasekara helped write regulations to ease pollution controls for coal-fired power plants and vehicle emissions in her previous role as chief of the EPA’s Office of Air and Radiation. In a recent interview, Gunasekara, who played a role in the decision to exit the Paris Climate Accord, pushed back on the more dire predictions of climate change, saying, “I don't think it is catastrophic.”
  
• NYT: The plastic bag industry, battered by a wave of bans nationwide, is using the coronavirus crisis to try to block laws prohibiting single-use plastic. “We simply don’t want millions of Americans bringing germ-filled reusable bags into retail establishments putting the public and workers at risk,” an industry campaign that goes by the name Bag the Ban warned on Tuesday. (Also see The Guardian)
  
• Kentucky, South Dakota, and West Virginia passed laws putting new criminal penalties on protests against fossil fuel infrastructure in just the past two weeks.
  
• The Hill: The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) said Friday that it will extend the amount of time that winter gasoline can be sold this year as producers have been facing lower demand due to the coronavirus. It will allow companies to sell the winter-grade gasoline through May 20, whereas companies would have previously been required to stop selling it by May 1 to protect air quality. “In responding to an international health crisis, the last thing the EPA should do is take steps that will worsen air quality and undermine the public’s health,” biofuels expert David DeGennaro said.
  
• NYT: At the Interior Department, employees at the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service have been under strict orders to complete the rule eliminating some protections for migratory birds within 30 days, according to two people with direct knowledge of the orders. The 45-day comment period on that rule ended on March 19.
  
• WaPo: The Interior Department has received over 230 nominations for oil and gas leases covering more than 150,000 acres across southern Utah, a push that would bring drilling as close as a half-mile from some of the nation’s most famous protected sites, including Arches and Canyonlands National Parks… if all the fossil fuels buried in those sites was extracted and burned, it would translate into between 1 billion and 5.95 billion metric tons of carbon dioxide being released into the air. That upward measure is equal to half the annual carbon output of China
  

Court updates

Press freedom case
Southern District of New York District Judge Lorna Schofield ruled that a literary advocacy group’s lawsuit against Trump for allegedly violating the First Amendment can move forward. The group, PEN America, is pursuing claims that Trump “has used government power to retaliate against media coverage and reporters he dislikes.”
Schofield determined that PEN’s allegation that Trump made threats to chill free speech was valid, providing as an example the White House’s revocation of CNN correspondent Jim Acosta’s press press corps credentials:

”The threats are lent credence by the fact that Defendant has acted on them before, by revoking Mr. Acosta’s credentials and barring reporters from particular press conferences. The Press Secretary indeed e-mailed the entire press corps to inform them of new rules of conduct and to warn of further consequences, citing the incident involving Mr. Acosta… These facts plausibly allege that a motivation for defendant’s actions is controlling and punishing speech he dislikes.”

Twitter case
The president suffered another First Amendment defeat last week when the full 2nd Circuit Court of Appeals declined to review a previous ruling that prevents Trump from blocking users on the Twitter account he uses to communicate with the public. Judge Barrington D. Parker, a Nixon-appointee, wrote: “Excluding people from an otherwise public forum such as this by blocking those who express views critical of a public official is, we concluded, unconstitutional.”
Trump-appointees Michael Parker and Richard Sullivan authored a dissent, arguing the free speech “does not include a right to post on other people’s personal social media accounts, even if those other people happen to be public officials.” Park warned that the ruling will allow the social media pages of public officials to be “overrun with harassment, trolling, and hate speech, which officials will be powerless to filter.”
Florida’s felon voting
U.S. District Judge Robert Hinkle ripped into Florida Governor Ron DeSantis’s administration for failing to come up with a process to determine which felons are genuinely unable to pay court-ordered fees and fines, which are otherwise required to be paid before having their voting rights restored.
“If the state is not going to fix it, I will,” Hinkle warned. He had given the state five months to come up with an administrative process for felons to prove they’re unable to pay financial obligations, but Florida officials did not do so. The case is set to be heard on April 28 (notwithstanding any coronavirus-related delays).

ICE, Jails, and COVID-19

ICE
One of the most overlooked populations with an increased risk of death from coronavirus are those in detention facilities, which keep people in close quarters with little sanitation or protective measures (including for staff).
Last week, U.S. District Judge Dolly Gee ordered the federal government to “make continuous efforts” to release migrant children from detention centers across the country. Numerous advocacy groups asked for the release after reports that four children being held in New York had tested positive for the virus:

“The threat of irreparable injury to their health and safety is palpable,” the plaintiffs’ lawyers said in their petition… both of the agencies operating migrant children detention facilities must by April 6 provide an accounting of their efforts to release those in custody… “Her order will undoubtedly speed up releases,” said Peter Schey, co-counsel for the plaintiffs in the court case.

On Tuesday, 13 immigrants held at ICE facilities in California filed a lawsuit demanding to be released because their health conditions make them particularly vulnerable to dying if infected by the coronavirus. An ACLU statement says the detainees are “confined in crowded and unsanitary conditions where social distancing is not possible.” The 13 individuals are all over the age of 50 and/or suffering from serious underlying medical issues like high blood pressure.

“From all the evidence we have seen, ICE is failing to fulfill its constitutional obligation to protect the health and safety of individuals in its custody. ICE should exercise its existing discretion to release people with serious medical conditions from detention for humanitarian reasons,” said William Freeman, senior counsel at the ACLU of Northern California.

Meanwhile, ICE is under fire for continuing to shuttle detainees across the country, with one even being forced to take nine different flights bouncing from Louisiana to Texas to New Jersey less than two weeks ago. That man is Dr. Sirous Asgari, a materials science and engineering professor from Iran, who was acquitted last year on federal charges of stealing trade secrets. The government lost its case against him, yet ICE has had him in indefinite detention since November.

Asgari, 59, told the Guardian that his Ice holding facility in Alexandria, Louisiana, had no basic cleaning practices in place and continued to bring in new detainees from across the country with no strategy to minimize the threat of Covid-19...Detainees have no hand sanitizer, and the facility is not regularly cleaning bathrooms or sleeping areas…Detainees lack access to masks… Detainees struggle to stay clean, and the facility has an awful stench.

Jails
State jails are making a better effort to release detained individuals, as both New York and New Jersey ordered a thousand people in each state be let out of jail. The order applied only to low-level offenders sentenced to less than a year in jail and those held on technical probation violations. In Los Angeles County, officials released over 1,700 people from its jails.
A judge in Alabama took similar steps last week, ordering roughly 500 people jailed for minor offenses to be released to lessen crowding in facilities. Unlike in New York and New Jersey, however, local officials reacted in an uproar, led in part by the state executive committee for the Alabama Republican Party and Assistant District Attorney C.J. Robinson. Using angry Facebook messages as the barometer of the community’s feelings, Robinson worked “frantically” to block inmates from being released.

• Reuters: As of Saturday, at least 132 inmates and 104 staff at jails across New York City had tested positive for COVID-19, the disease caused by the coronavirus… Since March 22, jails have reported 226 inmates and 131 staff with confirmed cases of COVID-19, according to a Reuters survey of cities and counties that run America’s 20 largest jails. The numbers are almost certainly an undercount given the fast spread of the virus.

Tribe opposed by Trump loses land

On Wednesday, The Federal Bureau of Indian Affairs announced the Mashpee Wampanoag Tribe’s reservation would be "disestablished" and its land trust status removed. Tribal Chairman Cedric Cromwell called the move "cruel" and "unnecessary,” particularly coming in the midst of a pandemic crisis. Rep. Bill Keating (D-Mass.), who last year introduced legislation to protect the tribe's reservation as trust land in Massachusetts, said the order “is one of the most cruel and nonsensical acts I have seen since coming to Congress.”
The administration’s decision is especially suspicious as just last year Trump attacked the tribe’s plan to build a casino on its land, tweeting that allowing the construction would be “unfair” and treat Native Americans unequally. As a former casino owner, Trump has spent decades attacking Native American casinos as unfair competition. At a 1993 congressional hearing Trump said that tribal owners “don’t look like Indians to me” and claimed: “I might have more Indian blood than a lot of the so-called Indians that are trying to open up the reservations” to gambling.
More than his past history, however, Trump has current interests at play in the Mashpee Wampanoag’s planned casino: it would have competed for business with nearby Rhode Island casinos owned by Twin River Worldwide Holdings, whose president, George Papanier, was a finance executive at the Trump Plaza casino hotel in Atlantic City.

In the Mashpee case, Twin River, the operator of the two Rhode Island casinos, has hired Matthew Schlapp, chairman of the American Conservative Union and a vocal Trump supporter, to lobby for it on the land issue. Schlapp’s wife, Mercedes, is director of strategic communications at the White House.

It has been said that the Mountain West conference is “At the Peak,” and to me, nothing illustrates that more, than the fact that there are 12 teams competing in the only NCAA Division 1 conference that sponsors e-sports. Of course, since the matches are played head-to-head, Boise State has an advantage because they tint the monitors blue, and play with all blue avatars; an advantage that is confirmed in their winning of League of Legends and Overwatch, but with the Spring season being cut, next year the Mountain West has announced that they will be playing Mario Kart 8, for the Nintendo Switch. Due to the large amounts of people in the Mountain West cities suddenly having $1200 burning a hole in their pocket, every store that sells Nintendo Switch has sold out of their allotment; yes, even, Amazon. So, thus the conundrum becomes: How can these players, prospects, and ordinary people practice in order to “git gud” as the gamers would say? Well, that’s where I come in. For, you see, since I am allowed out on the streets again, finally, due to both my prison sentence being cut short, and my work being determined to be “essential,” I had the time to scope out some places. Alas, while my cough and fever are not improving as much as I had hoped since I last got back from Italy, I did manage to find some time to visit all of the Mountain West cities in order to find the easiest place to get a Switch and Mario Kart 8 location. For simplicity’s sake, I am going by the football stadium since it’s a well-defined point in most locations – San José State fans, the football stadium is that big ovoid building at the corner of E Alma Ave, and S 7th St… It’s the place where the people aren’t on Saturday’s is September. Should you get hungry during your travels, I have also managed to find a some breakfast locations in the same vicinity

Mountain

Air Force

Okay, so I lied a little; I tried to get into the university, but, unfortunately the men with guns wouldn’t actually let me get beyond the gate on S Gate Rd, and I was still a little jet-lagged having just gotten in from Frankfurt after having woken up for my 0610 flight for the Linate to Frankfurt leg (stupid weather prevented the flight from Denver to ABQ, but my loss is your gain). So, while this may not be the closest, it certainly will fit the bill. Tyler-Jay Rowland who lives at 3075 Navigation Drive, in Colorado Springs was more than willing to help out, especially since his son, Jeremiah, was grounded for a month for staying out after curfew two weekends in a row. As the falcon flies, this location is 5.2 miles away; in a car, it’s not too much further than that.

Boise State

Now, I don’t, technically, hate the way that Boise is laid out with the river running right through the center of town, but even though Maci Drew lives in the Clearwater Apartments, unit 323, which is in a straight line, only a quarter of a mile from the stadium, you will have to go the Exxtramile, to get to her apartment. Also, she would like me to point out, that times for a waitress like herself are a little rough, so please, if you’re hungry, skip Taco Bell, and eat at the Bar Gernika in downtown Boise, right next to the Central Plaza and Century Link Arena. “We have wifi” she said.

Colorado State

This is, by far, the most remarkable location; I had completely forgotten that they moved to an on-campus stadium, so I initially went to the Hughes Stadium location, and found a big pile of dirt. And not much else – well, if you exclude the trees that formed a nice line, that brought me back to my college days. Having corrected my too old Garmin in-car GPS, I found Tim Thatcher on 604 Balsam Ln; he’s a little deaf, so you might need to knock like you are ram-ing down the door. He bought the Switch after his wife of 35 years died to help him grieve and spend his retirement, “but it’s just making me too sad lately, and I’ve never been very good at vid’ya [sic] games. I still don’t know how I’m supposed to save the princess when she’s trying to beat me… That reminds me of my princess, who I lost last year. She was so kind, we met in high school, I had an onion on my belt as was the style in those days. They didn't have any white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones.” I’ll be honest, at this point I started zoning out because, again, fever. He honestly looked really sad as I was talking to him, so you might want to try to cheer him up, since he’s just a lonely guy bein’ a dude. In a straight line distance, you’re only going .3 miles, and it’s not too much further by car.

New Mexico

This is by far the closest location to the stadium. The UNM Lobo Club is a non-essential business in the state of New Mexico, and UNM and the Athletics Department realized that funding would need to be cut dramatically throughout the state, and with the sweetheart deal they got from the legislature this year, they decided to close all athletic facilities, including the Maloof building, home of both Eddie Nuñez’s office, and the Lobo Club. I suggest using the side door closest to the field level entrance of the stadium. That’ll take you to the weight room; an alarm will go off, the code is “1892” the year the football team first played (interesting tidbit: the marching band was founded in 1889, the same year as the university); from there enter the main hallway, and go to the first door on the left after you pass the restrooms. The last time I was there, they had a vending machine that dispensed free Mountain Dew; I was howl-ing with laughter after I found that. Also, if you see Señor Manta, say “Hola!” he’s been down on his luck since his family were killed in the accident, and now he wanders the street like a lone Lobo.

Utah State

It was like a bomb went off. No one was around; maybe they were busy playing Farmer, or having a bonfire out in the dirt behind the stadium, wit their brown-eyed girls, but Jeff Field’s dorm room, Aggie Village Community building 17, first floor, third window from the right (he leaves it unlocked, so don’t worry about access) has a Switch just sitting there on the bed, as though he borrowed it from someone, but never managed to return it before he left. Go on, take it, just say that it was yours and he left it, no one will check.

Wyoming

Cowboys and Cowgirls are just different, I guess; I could not find a Nintendo Switch in town for the life of me. I found many Switchblades, Light switches, and many wooden rods, so I took my horse down to Cheyenne, and found a recently laid-off Subway Sandwich Artist called Dom, who knew just where to look. He directed me to 803 West 21st St, Suite B. He told me, “yeah, the guy who runs this storefront, has a little son, about 6 years old. He keeps a Switch in his desk’s keyboard tray for when he picks his son up from school.” Because of the ordeal in Laramie, I asked him to clarify, and he did, “yeah… Nintendo switch.” He said as he looked around shiftily. If that doesn’t work you can always try Suite C, I heard they stock Switches… oh wait, not that kind.” I was going to ask him for more information, but he entered what looked like an abandoned brick building just passed the railroad tracks, “You didn’t see me,” he said. And I also didn’t hear the gunshots that went off as I walked back to my car.

Table View

School	Distance Driving (mi)	Straight Line Distance (mi)	Drive/Drone Difference	Variance (from all schools)A
Air Force	8.44	5.22	3.22	0.047
Boise State	1.00	0.282	0.718	1.069
Colorado State	0.420	0.312	0.108	1.792
New Mexico	0.206	0.191	0.015	1.920
Utah State	0.444	0.305	0.139	1.751
Wyoming	47.90	40.69	7.21	4.894

A: Variance is calculated based upon DDD’s distance from the standard deviation of DDD… Why DDD? Because, DDD is King.

West

Note: SDSU currently does not field an Esports team; I am including them because it seems likely that they will in the near future

Hawai’i

Hawai’i is interesting because the Honolulu airport has a much better open air location than the El Paso airport; there’s a water path, it’s weird man, it reminds me a lot of the Tiki Room at Disn… oh, yeah, Hawai’i, Polynesia, that makes sense. Anyway, the stadium is home to the largest swap meet’s I’ve ever seen. Unfortunately, I did not find any Switches, but I did find a guy swapping Macadamia Nut cookies for a few dollars, so naturally, I bought some. It started to rain, so even though many people are Rainbow Warriors or Wahine, as the women prefer to be called, I am not. I stopped in at the ‘Aeia Public Library for a spell, and my phone was dead, so I needed a place to charge for a bit. The nice librarian, Akela (“it means graceful,” I was told. After I asked, “like the wolf-spirit in Hindi myths?”), pointed out, that, “We loan out all sorts of stuff here; pots, pans, sewing machines. Believe it or not, we even rent out video game systems. Our most popular is probably the Nintendo Switch, but we also have a couple of Xbox’s and PS4’s.” I guess I looked very shocked because Akela continued, “with the military surrounding us, we, the library system, get a lot of goods from contractors who don’t want to have a lot of their goods shipped back to the mainland.” Seeing how much it cost to ship out, I completely understood, and bid ¬¬Akela aloha, and failed the Hawai’I test by passing out at the nearest Embassy Suites, in Kapolei, if I remember correctly (I probably don’t, I was tired).

Fresno State

A nice cow brought me to Clovis. Much like what happened in Las Vegas, it was not the cool one, but instead the one in California. She (I saw udders), brought me specifically to 264 Clovis Ave, and said, “what you seek, from my master, is in there.” I’m not sure if it was my fever, jet-lag, a combination of them, or something else entirely, but then the cow vanished as though she was just a thing on the internet. A stray puppy passed by me in downtown, so that was probably the highlight of the trip.

Nevada (Reno)

Look, I’ll be honest, Reno to me always makes me feel like I’m going to be leaving the city without one or both of my kidneys. I don’t know why I expect Renoirs to chew my body like a Pack of Wolves, but there you are. Diedre Thomas of 128 Keystone Ave, fell on hard times. She poured herself a glass of vodka, neat, and said, “you can have anything you want,” she paused briefly to wink at me, “for the right price.” I specifically enquired about the Switch, “Anything,” she replied. She pulled out what appeared to be a small glass bowl that looked like an incense holder, and a baggie of chalk dust, and… Oh my god, she was going to smoke cocaine. Anyway, as she pulled out the pulled out the baggie, I hastily took my leave. I then went to the airport and went to my next stop….

Nevada – Las Vegas

Can you believe parents still bring their children, like elementary school aged children to Las Vegas. And it’s not the cool Las Vegas, in New Mexico, it’s the one in Nevada; well, I guess, technically they bring their kids to Paradise, and not Las Vegas, but c’mon man, there isn’t that much difference. Anyway, head to the Excalibur hotels because Carla, the housekeeper said that on average 3 Switches get left by guests every day. I then felt really depressed while walking around the hotel, so I left to check out the Mirage, where I normally stay on these Mountain West trips. I also learned that if there’s one thing that freaks me out more than the throngs of people walking the Strip, it’s when there’s nobody around. Once the new stadium gets completed it will be vastly easier to get to the casino than at the current location.

San Diego State

I stayed with Dominic, at his house of Friars Road. I was starting to feel sick to my stomach with the lack of green chile, so it was so enjoyable to spend time with a fellow New Mexican (and my roommate junior year). He took me on a little tour: Balboa Park’s stadium (home of the former Harbor Bowl, and the first tie in UNM Football history), the USS Midway, and Ocean Beach. I had forgotten about the assignment until I looked down at my feet and found a working Switch. When it was still there after an hour, I borrowed a small boat, realised, I need a bigger boat and headed out to the Ocean. Having claimed rights, I then put it back, so you might also find it.

San José State

Look, there are a lot of people who depart from the San Jose Airport. The kids who travel on these flights are slightly scatter-brained because of the adrenaline of taking a plane ride (and passing through the checkpoint), and leave some of their electronics, and I found a shoe! A shoe! Who only puts one shoe on and then walks-off? It was an adult shoe, so it’s not like a child/toddleparent left it, no, someone made a conscious decision to leave their shoe… Maybe it was a protest? Anyway, just tell the guy that you left your Switch at the checkpoint, if he asks you what color it was say, it had yellow grips that slide off, but the screen was bounded by black.

Table View

School	Distance Driving (mi)	Straight Line Distance (mi)	Drive/Drone Difference	Standard Deviation (all schools)A
Fresno State	4.46	3.28	1.18	0.644
Hawai’i	1.420	0.696	0.784	1.001
Nevada (Reno)	2.410	1.69	0.720	1.067
Nevada – Las Vegas (SBS)b	18.426	8.93	11.258
Nevada – Las Vegas (NVS)c	2.125	0.590	1.535	0.391
San Diego State	9.861	8.08	1.78	0.252
San José State	6.575	4.60	1.975	0.164

A: Variance is calculated based upon DDD’s distance from the standard deviation of DDD… Why DDD? Because, DDD is King.
b: Sam Boyd Stadium
c: New Vegas Stadium (Allegiant Field)

Conclusion

Even if the stores are sold out of Switches, there are always places you can go to get them, some are definitely within walking distance of your house, maybe even right next door. If you do choose to do that, there are a few things to keep in mind: 1. Milk 2. Eggs, specifically from Natural Grocers, if they still have member pricing. 3. Chicken thighs
Wait, that was my grocery list for last week.

1. Basque food is amazing.
2. The addresses are real, any businesses mention are real; the people mentioned or alluded to (with exception to the person who has an office in Clovis, CA; and Dominic in SD) are fake.
3. No, I do not know who lives at the addresses, and unless you can look it up in the phone book, I recommend that you don’t either. Please don’t bother them.
4. No, I am not sick… I have a lingering cough from allergies to junipemesquite pollen.
5. I have not visited Colorado Springs/Fort Collins/Laramie/Reno/San José/Honolulu, yet.
6. Information for the other cities comes from my memory
7. I remember when Park MGM was the Monte Carlo
8. Is Secret Pizza still at the Cosmo? I don’t remember seeing it the last time I was there, but that might have been because I was on the wrong floor.
9. Toss a coin to your witcher.
10. Normal people stop listing things at 10, but
11. This list goes up to 11.

Some time ago I've noticed someone complain that there are only beginner level posts here. Let's try to change it. I'm a native speaker, so if something is not clear, let me know in the comments.
Let's start with USA - Stany Zjednoczone or just Stany

Translation

In polish, some state names are translated, and some not - theese are written the same as in english, but pronounced in a different way. The pronunciation of the latter ones is a bit more sharp, more polish.
Translated:

Washington - Waszyngton North Dakota - Dakota Północna South Dakota - Dakota Południowa New York - Nowy Jork Pensylvania - Pensylwania California - Kalifornia Colorado - Kolorado West Virginia - Wirginia Zachodnia. Uwaga: 'g' zwykle czytamy 'dż' Virgninia - see above New Mexico - Nowy Meksyk North Carolina - Karolina Północna South Carolina - Karolina Południowa Texas - Teksas Louisiana - Luizjana Florida - Floryda Hawaii - Hawaje

You may have noticed that adjectives are translated. Note that New Hampshire, Rhode Island and New Jersey is an exception, and the names are the same as in english.
DC is an exception in the States itself, and so is in polish - Dystrykt Kolumbii:

The white house is not in any state, it's in DC - Biały Dom nie znajduje się w żadnym stanie, tylko w Dystrykcie Kolumbii.

Declension

Some of the state names are declined (odmienione przez przypadki), for example:

I live in Minnesota - Mieszkam w Minnesocie I've never been to Texas - Nigdy nie byłem/am w Teksasie

But some are not:

The Four Corners Monument is in Utah, Colorado, New Mexico and Arizona - Pomnik Four Corners znajduje się w Utah, Kolorado, Nowym Meksyku i Arizonie.
My cousin lives in Wyoming - Mój kuzyn mieszka w Wyoming.

You can also address a state with english "State of X" phrase. This is commonly used when referring to a state without a polish name. The state name does not decline, the noun "Stan" does:

State of Iowa - Stan Iowa State of California - Stan Kalifornia My sister lives in the State of Maine - Moja siostra mieszka w stanie Maine.

States that names are translated always decline. Apart from that, states with names that end in a suffix, that is found in polish vocabulary (like Nevada, Montana, Minnesota, Indiana, Oklahoma, Arizona, Alabama, Alaska) decline like common words with that suffix. This is commonly found in spoken language, from my experience. You can use the "State of X" phrase mentioned above to get around that ;)

Arizona - Arizony - Arizonie - Arizonę - Arizoną - O Arizonie - Arizono! Minnesota - Minnesoty - Minnesocie - Minnesotę - Minnesotą - O Minnesocie - Minnesoto! etc.

Prepositions to use with state names vary, and in most cases its 'in' (w):

W stanie Iowa, w Kolorado, W Arizonie, W Maine, W Vermont, W Minnesocie, W Alabamie.

But in case of islands or peninsulas, 'on' is used (na) [1]:

Na Florydzie, Na Hawajach, Na Alasce.
The Yellowstone park is in Colorado - Park Yellowstone znajduje się w Kolorado.
They arrested a guy in Florida for having a pet alligator - Na Florydzie aresztowali faceta za posiadanie aligatora.
My neighbor went on vacation to Hawaii - Mój sąsiad pojechał na wakacje na Hawaje

The US short codes for states (IA, RI, VT, AZ, AK, ...) aren't used at all here. People might be confused if you use them.

Cities

The same goes for cities. Some are translated, some are decline, some are both, and some are neither. The rules are generally the same as with state names.

New York - Nowy Jork Washington - Waszyngton New Orleans - Nowy Orlean Philadelphia - Filadelfia

Cities with 'city' in the name aren't translated, nor decline. The only exception that comes to my mind is Atlanta - I've heard people decline it.

Las Vegas is known for it's casinos. - Las Vegas znane jest z kasyn.
Times Square is New York's most known tourist attraction - Times Square to najbardziej znana atrakcja turystyczna Nowego Jorku
We took a hike from Nashville to Memphis. - Przejechaliśmy autostopem z Nashville do Memphis [2].
Wall Street is on Manhattan - Wall Street znajduje się na Manhattanie [3].

Footnotes

1 - I have no idea if its the case for Rhode Island as well. It's not, it's 'w Rhode Island' 2 - Memphis in the USA is written with 'ph'. Memfis is a place in Egypt. 3 - As a piece of trivia, ,,Manhattan'' is also a slang name for a district of Łódź, but that name is really specific to Łódź only.

Tulsa's event list.

Ongoing

• Tulsa Botanic Blooms (The Gardens - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Apr 21st Enjoy intoxicating fragrances and a kaleidoscope of color when more than 100,000 blossoms usher in spring at Tulsa Botanic…
• New Genre Arts Festival 2019 - OK Avant Garde Spoken Word (Hardesty Arts Center (AHHA) - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Apr 7th Appreciate non-traditional art forms at the New Genre Festival held at the Living Arts of Tulsa. At this…

Wednesday, Mar 27th

• 50 States, Colorado Performance (Hardesty Arts Center (AHHA) - Tulsa) Start Time: 6:00pm
• 🎭 2018 BA Football State Championship Ring Ceremony (Broken Arrow Performing Arts Center - Broken Arrow) Start Time: 7:00pm Tiger football fans, join us March 27 at 7 p.m. for a special Football State Championship Ring Presentation Ceremony at the Broken Arrow PAC. Each member...
• Andrew Deacon: Live Comedy Album Recording (Soundpony Lounge - Tulsa) Start Time: 8:00pm
• ♪ Badfish, A Tribute to Sublime (Cain's Ballroom - Tulsa) Start Time: 6:30pm STAND BY YOUR VAN TOUR
• The Conciliation Series - March Installment (Black Wall Street Theatre - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Mar 31st Start Time: 11:00am
• Tulsa Data Science: Linear Algebra for Data Science (36 Degrees North - Tulsa) Start Time: 6:30pm
• 😂 Fundraiser show For Josh Baker (Loony Bin - Tulsa)
• Joel Daniel Phillips It Felt Like The Future Was Now + Richard Barlow: The Sea of Ice, Receding (Philbrook Downtown - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Mar 31st Start Time: 11:00am
• Claremore Kennel Club Dog Show (Claremore Expo Center - Claremore) Thru Sun, Mar 31st Head to the Claremore Expo Center and watch local and regional dogs showcase the finest qualities of their breed at the…
• Leonard Bernstein at 100 + Dust Bowl VR Experience (Woody Guthrie Center - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Mar 31st Start Time: 10:00am
• Local Wednesday (Inner Circle Vodka Bar - Tulsa) Start Time: 4:00pm
• ♪ Mike Dillon Band (Blackbird On Pearl - Tulsa) Start Time: 9:00pm
• Modern Masters: Lawrence Wright @ Congregation B'nai Emunah (Brady District - Tulsa) Start Time: 7:00pm
• Mother Road Market Book Drive (Brady District - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Mar 31st Start Time: 10:00am
• The Peanut Butter Jam (Soundpony Lounge - Tulsa) Start Time: 10:00pm
• Speaking Of Which A Spoken Word Open Mic (Gypsy Coffee House & Cyber Cafe - Tulsa) Start Time: 8:00pm
• "TEETH PULSE" GIVE US YOUR CAVITIES- Acrylic paintings by IG:MU_T_T (Chrysalis Salon & Spa - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Mar 31st Start Time: 12:00pm
• Trout Steak Revival (The Shrine - Tulsa) Start Time: 8:00pm
• ♪ Weezer / Pixies (BOK Center - Tulsa) Start Time: 7:00pm Weezer and Pixies are teaming up for a must-see show at Tulsa's BOK Center. Grab some friends and get ready for a night…
• WINESDAY!! (The Tavern - Tulsa) Start Time: 5:00pm

Thursday, Mar 28th

• 3 Doors Down in Concert (Hard Rock Hotel & Casino Tulsa - Catoosa) Head to the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Catoosa to see the legendary rock band 3 Doors Down perform an acoustic…
• American Girl Live (Cox Business Center - Tulsa) Start Time: 7:00pm Experience American Girl® in an all-new musical, coming to a city near you! American Girl Live is a premiere stage production, featuring all-original songs and unforgettable experiences. During an exciting summer away at sleepover camp, as bold tales of bravery and friendship come to life for some new friends, iconic American Girl characters…
• ♪ An Evening with DEATH GRIPS (Cain's Ballroom - Tulsa) Start Time: 6:30pm Death Grips will bring its signature experimental hip hop sound to Cain's Ballroom in Tulsa. Fans in the crowd are sure…
• 🎭 C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters (Tulsa Performing Art Center - Tulsa) Day 1 of 2 Start Time: 7:00pm Presented By: Fellowship for Performing Arts In an eerily stylish office in Hell, one of Satan’s senior tempters, Screwtape, schemes meticulously to...
• The Conciliation Series - March Installment (Black Wall Street Theatre - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Mar 31st Start Time: 11:00am
• Eclectic Sounds with DJ $ir Mike (Soundpony Lounge - Tulsa) Start Time: 10:00pm
• Groovement / Aaron Kamm & The One drops (The Shrine - Tulsa) Start Time: 9:00pm
• Tulsa JS (36 Degrees North - Tulsa) Start Time: 6:00pm
• Joel Daniel Phillips It Felt Like The Future Was Now + Richard Barlow: The Sea of Ice, Receding (Philbrook Downtown - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Mar 31st Start Time: 11:00am
• Claremore Kennel Club Dog Show (Claremore Expo Center - Claremore) Thru Sun, Mar 31st Head to the Claremore Expo Center and watch local and regional dogs showcase the finest qualities of their breed at the…
• Leonard Bernstein at 100 + Dust Bowl VR Experience (Woody Guthrie Center - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Mar 31st Start Time: 10:00am
• Mother Road Market Book Drive (Brady District - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Mar 31st Start Time: 10:00am
• Multi-flavored Moments - Jini Kim (Tulsa Artists Coalition - Tulsa) Thru Sat, Mar 30th Start Time: 6:00pm
• Open Studio Hours (Hardesty Arts Center (AHHA) - Tulsa) Start Time: 4:00pm
• 😂 Power Triple Feature Show (Loony Bin - Tulsa) Thru Sat, Mar 30th
• Renegade Women in Film & TV Book + Film Event @ Circle Cinema (Brady District - Tulsa) Start Time: 6:00pm
• The Screwtape Letters (Tulsa Performing Art Center - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Mar 31st C.S. Lewis' "The Screwtape Letters" comes to the Tulsa Performing Arts Center for five exciting performances.…
• Songswappers with Jimmy Ray Taylor and Bill Crain (The Hunt Club - Tulsa) Start Time: 10:00pm
• Taste of the City Cooking Show (River Spirit Casino - Tulsa) Come to the Taste of the City Cooking Show for a foodie's night out. Spend the evening at the River Spirit Casino…
• "TEETH PULSE" GIVE US YOUR CAVITIES- Acrylic paintings by IG:MU_T_T (Chrysalis Salon & Spa - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Mar 31st Start Time: 12:00pm
• Thirsty Thursday (Inner Circle Vodka Bar - Tulsa) Start Time: 6:00pm
• Thursday Night Throwdown (The Majestic - Tulsa) Start Time: 9:00pm

Friday, Mar 29th

• The Agenda (The Hunt Club - Tulsa) Start Time: 10:00pm
• 🎓 An Affair of the Heart (Expo Square - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Mar 31st An Affair of the Heart, one of the largest arts and craft shows in the United States, is known for its quality and variety…
• 🎭 C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters (Tulsa Performing Art Center - Tulsa) Day 2 of 2 Start Time: 7:00pm Presented By: Fellowship for Performing Arts In an eerily stylish office in Hell, one of Satan’s senior tempters, Screwtape, schemes meticulously to...
• The Conciliation Series - March Installment (Black Wall Street Theatre - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Mar 31st Start Time: 11:00am
• ♪ Dead Metal Society (The Vanguard - Tulsa) Start Time: 9:00pm
• 🍴 Gilcrease After Hours: Pulitzer Opening Night (FREE Admission) (The Gilcrease Museum - Tulsa) Start Time: 7:00pm Join us for our next monthly culture and cocktails event on March 29 from 7 to 9 p.m. This month’s Gilcrease After Hours coincides with opening day of...
• Green Country Spring Fling (Expo Square - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Mar 31st Make your way to Tulsa Expo Square for the Green Country Spring Fling. This show, recognized by the U.S. Equestrian…
• Impractical Jokers (BOK Center - Tulsa) Get ready for a fun night as the Impractical Jokers take over the BOK Center in Tulsa. Coming from Tru TV, this show stars…
• 🎭 Impractical Jokers "The Cranjis McBasketball World Comedy Tour" (BOK Center - Tulsa) Start Time: 7:30pm
• Joel Daniel Phillips It Felt Like The Future Was Now + Richard Barlow: The Sea of Ice, Receding (Philbrook Downtown - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Mar 31st Start Time: 11:00am
• Karaoke 21+ (Mainline - Tulsa) Day 1 of 2 Start Time: 8:00pm
• Claremore Kennel Club Dog Show (Claremore Expo Center - Claremore) Thru Sun, Mar 31st Head to the Claremore Expo Center and watch local and regional dogs showcase the finest qualities of their breed at the…
• Leonard Bernstein at 100 + Dust Bowl VR Experience (Woody Guthrie Center - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Mar 31st Start Time: 10:00am
• Mother Road Market Book Drive (Brady District - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Mar 31st Start Time: 10:00am
• Mountain Sprout Live In Tulsa (The Shrine - Tulsa) Start Time: 9:00pm
• Multi-flavored Moments - Jini Kim (Tulsa Artists Coalition - Tulsa) 1 day left Start Time: 6:00pm
• Murr 'AWAKENED' Meet & Greet Package! (BOK Center - Tulsa) Start Time: 7:30pm Murr 'AWAKENED' Meet & Greet Package!" Package Includes: An Autographed copy of Murr's novel "AWAKENED" Meet & Greet with Murr Photo Opportunity with Murr Purchase of this M&G DOES NOT include a ticket to the show. This is an add-on! Patrons must have a show ticket in addition of M&G ticket to gain entry to the M&G. No exceptions!
• NuBlvckCity (Soundpony Lounge - Tulsa) Start Time: 10:00pm
• Oceanaut, American Shadows, Strothers (Blackbird On Pearl - Tulsa) Start Time: 9:00pm
• Orange Peel (Cain's Ballroom - Tulsa) The Tulsa OSU Alumni Chapter presents Pat Green with Allie Colleen at Historic Cain's Ballroom for the Orange Peel…
• ORU Golden Eagles vs North Dakota State Bison (J.L. Johnson Stadium - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Mar 31st Support the ORU Golden Eagles baseball team with tickets to their action-packed games. Grab a snack from the concession…
• Paquita la del Barrio & Angela Aguilar in Concert (River Spirit Casino - Tulsa) See multiple generations of musical greatness live in concert as Paquita la del Barrio and Angela Aguilar take…
• ♪ Pat Green (Cain's Ballroom - Tulsa) Start Time: 7:00pm Ticket sales for PAT GREEN are restricted to ONLINE only! $35 (in 2018) $45 (in 2019) All proceeds benefit scholarships for Tulsa-area students attending Oklahoma State University. No re-entry! No smoking! No refunds! Support acts are subject to change without notice!
• Pie Night (Antoinette Baking Co. - Tulsa) Day 1 of 2 Start Time: 5:00pm
• 😂 Power Triple Feature Show (Loony Bin - Tulsa) 1 day left
• Tulsa ROUGHNECKS FC vs Rio Grande Valley TOROS FC (ONEOK Field - Tulsa) Start Time: 7:00pm Support the Tulsa Roughnecks FC professional soccer team as they take on Rio Grande Valley FC Toros at ONEOK Field in Tulsa.…
• The Screwtape Letters (Tulsa Performing Art Center - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Mar 31st C.S. Lewis' "The Screwtape Letters" comes to the Tulsa Performing Arts Center for five exciting performances.…
• ♪ Tchaikovsky (Tulsa Ballet - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Mar 31st Start Time: 7:30pm Tulsa Ballet will bring the life of famous Russian composer Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky to life. Watch the world premiere of…
• "TEETH PULSE" GIVE US YOUR CAVITIES- Acrylic paintings by IG:MU_T_T (Chrysalis Salon & Spa - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Mar 31st Start Time: 12:00pm
• Test N Tune (Tulsa Raceway Park - Tulsa) Start Time: 6:00pm

Saturday, Mar 30th

• 🎓 An Affair of the Heart (Expo Square - Tulsa) 1 day left An Affair of the Heart, one of the largest arts and craft shows in the United States, is known for its quality and variety…
• Brian Parton, Soul Surferos, Soapbox Okies (Blackbird On Pearl - Tulsa) Start Time: 9:00pm
• 🎓 Carnivale Rio 2019 (Cox Business Center - Tulsa) Start Time: 7:00pm Join us for Carnivale Rio "The Best Party in town" and revel in fine dining, lively dancing and unmatched surprises at Cox Business Center in downtown...
• Coca-Cola Bracket Race #2 & #3 (Tulsa Raceway Park - Tulsa) Start Time: 9:00am
• The Conciliation Series - March Installment (Black Wall Street Theatre - Tulsa) 1 day left Start Time: 11:00am
• 🎭 The Drunkard and the Olio (Tulsa Spotlight Theatre - Tulsa) Start Time: 7:30pm
• Green Country Spring Fling (Expo Square - Tulsa) 1 day left Make your way to Tulsa Expo Square for the Green Country Spring Fling. This show, recognized by the U.S. Equestrian…
• Jewelry from Junk workshop (Hardesty Arts Center (AHHA) - Tulsa) Start Time: 10:00am
• Joel Daniel Phillips It Felt Like The Future Was Now + Richard Barlow: The Sea of Ice, Receding (Philbrook Downtown - Tulsa) 1 day left Start Time: 11:00am
• Karaoke 21+ (Mainline - Tulsa) Day 2 of 2 Start Time: 8:00pm
• Claremore Kennel Club Dog Show (Claremore Expo Center - Claremore) 1 day left Head to the Claremore Expo Center and watch local and regional dogs showcase the finest qualities of their breed at the…
• Leonard Bernstein at 100 + Dust Bowl VR Experience (Woody Guthrie Center - Tulsa) 1 day left Start Time: 10:00am
• Metal Show (The Shrine - Tulsa) Start Time: 8:00pm
• Mother Road Market Book Drive (Brady District - Tulsa) 1 day left Start Time: 10:00am
• Multi-flavored Moments - Jini Kim (Tulsa Artists Coalition - Tulsa) Last Day Start Time: 6:00pm
• ♪ NEEDTOBREATHE: Acoustic Live Tour (Brady Theater - Tulsa) Start Time: 7:00pm Christian rock group Needtobreathe will perform their biggest hits as they embark on their Acoustic Live Tour. Hear your…
• NEEDTOBREATHE: Acoustic Live Tour (Brady Theater - Tulsa) Start Time: 6:00pm
• 🏆 Tulsa Oilers vs. Utah Grizzlies (BOK Center - Tulsa) Day 1 of 2 Start Time: 7:05pm Cheer on the Tulsa Oilers as they take on the Utah Grizzlies at the BOK Center in downtown Tulsa. Get in on the…
• 🎨 Oklahoma Paperweight Collectors Association Spring Meeting (Martin Regional Library - Tulsa) Start Time: 11:00am On Saturday, March 30th, Oklahoma Paperweight Collectors will have their spring meeting in Tulsa at the Martin Library. The meeting starts at 11:00 am, with a 1:00 presentation by renowned flamework artist Ken Rosenfeld. Examples of his work will be on display. All glass lovers are welcome to join us for the entire program or just the…
• ORU Golden Eagles vs North Dakota State Bison (J.L. Johnson Stadium - Tulsa) 1 day left Support the ORU Golden Eagles baseball team with tickets to their action-packed games. Grab a snack from the concession…
• ♪ Our Last Night (The Vanguard - Tulsa) Start Time: 7:00pm Our Last Night got its start while founding members were still in middle school and high school. Since then, the band has…
• Pie Night (Antoinette Baking Co. - Tulsa) Day 2 of 2 Start Time: 5:00pm
• Podcasting Bootcamp (Hardesty Arts Center (AHHA) - Tulsa) Start Time: 9:00am
• 😂 Power Triple Feature Show (Loony Bin - Tulsa) Last Day
• Rosy Hips (The Hunt Club - Tulsa) Start Time: 10:00pm
• The Screwtape Letters (Tulsa Performing Art Center - Tulsa) 1 day left C.S. Lewis' "The Screwtape Letters" comes to the Tulsa Performing Arts Center for five exciting performances.…
• Steph Simon Live (Soundpony Lounge - Tulsa) Start Time: 10:00pm
• The Studio After Dark (Hardesty Arts Center (AHHA) - Tulsa) Start Time: 5:00pm
• ♪ Tchaikovsky (Tulsa Ballet - Tulsa) 1 day left Start Time: 7:30pm Tulsa Ballet will bring the life of famous Russian composer Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky to life. Watch the world premiere of…
• "TEETH PULSE" GIVE US YOUR CAVITIES- Acrylic paintings by IG:MU_T_T (Chrysalis Salon & Spa - Tulsa) 1 day left Start Time: 12:00pm
• 🏃 T-Town Half Marathon (2nd & Elgin - Tulsa) Half Marathon starts at 8:00 am; 5K starts at 8:25 am. Start and finish will be in downtown Tulsa, and the course will include the beautiful Tulsa River Parks Trail System! A downtown 5km will also be offered.
  This race is also the first event in the new "Fleet Feet 4 Seasons Challenge"(Quarter Marathon, Rudolph Run, Firecracker 5K, Fleet Feet…
  

Sunday, Mar 31st

• 🎓 An Affair of the Heart (Expo Square - Tulsa) Last Day An Affair of the Heart, one of the largest arts and craft shows in the United States, is known for its quality and variety…
• 🎨 Antiques RoadshowSneak Preview (Philbrook Downtown - Tulsa) Start Time: 2:00pm Last year we hosted a taping of the popular PBS program Antiques Roadshow (WGBH-Boston). Now it’s time for the big reveal! Join us for an early sneak...
• The Conciliation Series - March Installment (Black Wall Street Theatre - Tulsa) Last Day Start Time: 11:00am
• Drop-in Figure Drawing (Hardesty Arts Center (AHHA) - Tulsa) Start Time: 4:00pm
• Green Country Spring Fling (Expo Square - Tulsa) Last Day Make your way to Tulsa Expo Square for the Green Country Spring Fling. This show, recognized by the U.S. Equestrian…
• Happy Hour Show!!! 4-7 pm: DJ Noname's First Show (Soundpony Lounge - Tulsa) Start Time: 10:00pm
• High School & Index Race (Tulsa Raceway Park - Tulsa) Start Time: 12:00pm
• A Jazzy Sunday Evening With Ellisa Sun (Gypsy Coffee House & Cyber Cafe - Tulsa) Start Time: 7:00pm
• Joel Daniel Phillips It Felt Like The Future Was Now + Richard Barlow: The Sea of Ice, Receding (Philbrook Downtown - Tulsa) Last Day Start Time: 11:00am
• Claremore Kennel Club Dog Show (Claremore Expo Center - Claremore) Last Day Head to the Claremore Expo Center and watch local and regional dogs showcase the finest qualities of their breed at the…
• Leonard Bernstein at 100 + Dust Bowl VR Experience (Woody Guthrie Center - Tulsa) Last Day Start Time: 10:00am
• Mother Road Market Book Drive (Brady District - Tulsa) Last Day Start Time: 10:00am
• 🏆 Tulsa Oilers vs. Utah Grizzlies (BOK Center - Tulsa) Day 2 of 2 Start Time: 7:05pm Cheer on the Tulsa Oilers as they take on the Utah Grizzlies at the BOK Center in downtown Tulsa. Get in on the…
• Open Studio Hours (Hardesty Arts Center (AHHA) - Tulsa) Start Time: 12:00pm
• ORU Golden Eagles vs North Dakota State Bison (J.L. Johnson Stadium - Tulsa) Last Day Support the ORU Golden Eagles baseball team with tickets to their action-packed games. Grab a snack from the concession…
• ♪ Rob Bell: An Introduction to Joy (Cain's Ballroom - Tulsa) Start Time: 7:15pm Doc Roc Presents
• The Screwtape Letters (Tulsa Performing Art Center - Tulsa) Last Day C.S. Lewis' "The Screwtape Letters" comes to the Tulsa Performing Arts Center for five exciting performances.…
• ♪ Spoken // Awake At Last (The Vanguard - Tulsa) Start Time: 8:00pm
• Studio Sundays (Hardesty Arts Center (AHHA) - Tulsa) Start Time: 12:00pm
• ♪ Tchaikovsky (Tulsa Ballet - Tulsa) Last Day Start Time: 7:30pm Tulsa Ballet will bring the life of famous Russian composer Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky to life. Watch the world premiere of…
• "TEETH PULSE" GIVE US YOUR CAVITIES- Acrylic paintings by IG:MU_T_T (Chrysalis Salon & Spa - Tulsa) Last Day Start Time: 12:00pm

Monday, Apr 1st

• 22nd Annual Research Colloquium (University of Tulsa - Tulsa) Day 1 of 2 Start Time: 8:00am The 22nd Annual Research Colloquium will be held in the student union. Throughout the week there will be oral presentations from a variety of...
• ♪ Dreamhouse (The Vanguard - Tulsa) Start Time: 7:00pm
• Fitness on the Green: YOGA (Guthrie Green - Tulsa) Start Time: 5:30pm
• Fitness on the Green: ZUMBA (Guthrie Green - Tulsa) Start Time: 6:30pm
• Green Country Bonsai Society Monthly Meeting (Tulsa Garden Center - Tulsa) Start Time: 7:00pm The Green Country Bonsai Society meets on the first Monday of every month at 7pm. Meetings are open to the public.
• How to Build a Website: A Website? Where Do I Even Start? (36 Degrees North - Tulsa) Start Time: 6:00pm
• I Can't Make a Book with Philbrook Museum of Art (Philbrook Downtown - Tulsa) Start Time: 12:00pm Use simple binding techniques to create a handcrafted book that you can take home. All supplies provided.

Tuesday, Apr 2nd

• 22nd Annual Research Colloquium (University of Tulsa - Tulsa) Day 2 of 2 Start Time: 8:00am The 22nd Annual Research Colloquium will be held in the student union. Throughout the week there will be oral presentations from a variety of...
• Fitness on the Green: Bootcamp (Guthrie Green - Tulsa) Start Time: 5:30pm
• Open Mic Night (Gypsy Coffee House & Cyber Cafe - Tulsa) Start Time: 7:00pm
• The Pearl Jam (Blackbird On Pearl - Tulsa) Start Time: 9:00pm
• Rusko + Nitti Gritti, DJ Jesse Strange (Cain's Ballroom - Tulsa) Start Time: 7:30pm Rusko offers happy, yet heavy dubstep sounds to fans gathered inside Cain's Ballroom. Pack this Tulsa venue and prepare…

See Also

• OK Gamers
• Techlahoma
• Tulsa Meetup Groups
• Tulsa Library Events

Rearranging the the episode summaries on Wikipedia and the Wikia I came up with this three part basic summary (not including everything):

Good Cooper

Dale Cooper remains trapped in the Black Lodge.
[In New York City, Sam Colby sits in a warehouse watching a glass box. Tracey Barberato visits him. With the security guard absent during Tracey's second visit, Sam lets her into the room. As they have sex, a pale androgynous entity—the Experiment—materializes in the glass box and murders them.]
Inside the Lodge, Cooper encounters MIKE, Laura and a skeletal tree with a featureless head (an evolved form of MIKE's severed left arm). Laura tells Cooper that he can go out now but the tree says that his doppelgänger has to return first. After an encounter with the tree's doppelgänger intervenes, the floor of the Lodge gives way and Cooper falls into the glass box in New York, then into space. Cooper lands in a metal building where two women (Naido and American Girl) appear to protect him from an unseen entity until he leaves through a portal.
Dougie Jones, who just had sex with Jade, a Las Vegas prostitute, becomes sick and sees the Lodge's red curtains. Dougie is drawn into the Lodge, where he turns into a golden bead. The real Cooper, taking Dougie's place in Las Vegas, is found in a disoriented state by the prostitute, who drops him off at a casino. Criminals who are pursuing 'Dougie' place a bomb under his car, still parked outside the Jade's house. Cooper wanders around the casino and plays slot machines marked by hallucinatory images of the Lodge, winning megajackpots every time. Cooper wins 28 consecutive megajackpots at the casino, totaling $425,000, then is driven to Dougie's home. Dougie's wife, Janey-E, is upset about her husband's three-day disappearance, but she is relieved that they can pay his $20,000 gambling debt ($52,000 after interest).
Still near-catatonic, Cooper settles into Dougie's life. While getting dressed, he sees a vision of MIKE, who informs him that either he or his remaining doppelgänger must die. Janey-E drops Cooper at Dougie's workplace, where he reacts to a statue outside, the smell of coffee, and the words "agent" and "case files". After a light illuminates a colleague's face, Cooper accuses him of lying, angering Dougie's boss.
The criminals who planted the bomb under Dougie's car contact their superior, Lorraine, who expresses fear of being killed if the job isn't completed and sets off a mysterious alarm. Later, Dougie's car explodes when some car thieves trigger the bomb. The Mitchums beat and fire the casino supervisor, accusing him of complicity in Cooper's winning streak. Jade drops Cooper's Great Northern Hotel room key in a mailbox. Police take Cooper to Dougie's home and Janey-E receives a photo of Cooper with the prostitute from two criminals demanding Dougie's gambling debts plus interest, totaling $52,000. Janey-E meets them, lambasts them and gives them $25,000, her "first, last and only offer".
Cooper draws cryptic images on the case files, guided by lights on the pages. Dougie's boss recognizes a pattern in the drawings and thanks Cooper. Cooper has another vision of MIKE telling him "Wake up! Don't die!". Duncan Todd retrieves an envelope marked with a black spot from his safe and sends it to hitman Ike "The Spike" Stadtler. The envelope contains photos of Lorraine and Dougie. Ike kills Lorraine and her coworkers, demolishing his signature "spike" weapon in the process.
Police visit Cooper at Dougie's workplace to question him about his destroyed car. As he leaves with Janey-E, Ike runs at them with a gun, but Cooper expertly disarms him while having a vision of the skeletal tree. Dougie's boss says that Dougie sometimes has episodes due to a car accident. The Las Vegas police discover no record of Dougie Jones before 1997, and take fingerprints and DNA from Cooper's coffee mug. They arrest Ike "the Spike", who has left a phone message for "J.T". Duncan Todd orders Anthony Sinclair to frame 'Dougie' for the denial of an arson insurance claim that lost the Mitchums $30 million. The Mitchums see a news story about Ike's arrest, and recognize Cooper as "Mr. Jackpots".
Janey-E notices that her husband's physique has improved and has sex with him. Dougie's boss sends Cooper to give the Mitchums a $30 million check after realizing their claim is legitimate. The Mitchums plan to kill Cooper, but after Bradley has a prophetic dream, they decide he is not their enemy and take him for drinks, where Cooper reacts to the words "damn good" while eating cherry pie.
Cooper and Sonny Jim play catch.
The Mitchum brothers and their assistants take Cooper to Bushnell Mullins' office, celebrating and bearing gifts for Mullins. Anthony Sinclair hides from the brothers as he fearfully calls Duncan Todd, who gives him one day to kill "Jones."
Delivery men bring a gym set for Sonny Jim and a new car to the Jones home as Janey-E happily looks on. Janey-E and Cooper later watch Sonny Jim play on his new gym set.
The Detectives Fusco look over the results of "Douglas Jones"' fingerprint as an altercation takes place in the next room. Sinclair comes to see Detective Clark for poison.
Janey-E takes Cooper to work in the new car. Sinclair waits nervously for "Dougie" and takes him to get coffee. After taking a sip, Cooper wanders over to observe the shop's pie as Sinclair laces his coffee. He returns and Sinclair breaks down, leaving with the poisoned coffee. Cooper takes Sinclair's coffee and is brought a slice of pie. Sinclair pours the coffee into a urinal and throws the cup in the trash before apologizing to "Dougie."
In Mullins' office, Sinclair tearfully confesses his activities with Todd.

Bad Cooper

In Buckhorn, South Dakota, Cooper's doppelgänger—a sinister, long-haired man with black irises—retrieves two associates, Ray and Darya. Police find the severed head of Buckhorn librarian Ruth Davenport placed on the headless body of a John Doe. Local principal Bill Hastings's fingerprints are found and he is arrested. Bill denies guilt, but fumbles his alibi. His wife, Phyllis, accuses him of having an affair, while Phyllis has been having an affair with Bill's lawyer, George. A ghostly woodsman occupies another cell. Phyllis is murdered at home by Cooper's doppelgänger. Cooper's doppelgänger attempts to obtain information through Darya, Ray, and another associate, Jack. Perceiving that his associates have turned on him, Cooper's doppelgänger murders Jack and Darya, and later sets out for a federal prison in South Dakota, where Ray has been jailed. He also reveals that he is due to return to the Lodge, but has a plan to avoid this.
Cooper's doppelgänger drives a car, becomes sick and sees the Lodge's red curtains. Cooper's doppelgänger crashes and is apprehended by the police. At the FBI headquarters in Philadelphia, Agent Tamara Preston is debriefing Gordon Cole and Albert Rosenfield when Cole receives a phone call stating that Cooper has been found in South Dakota. The FBI is informed that Cooper has been found and taken to federal prison in South Dakota, where he is interviewed by Gordon, Albert, and Tammy. Gordon and Albert discuss their misgivings about the inmate, one of whose fingerprints is the reverse of Cooper's. They decide to seek the one person they think can help them. Cooper's doppelgänger makes a phone call in prison that causes the security system to go haywire. He says "The cow jumped over the moon," before hanging up, stopping the alarms.
In Buckhorn, an autopsy of the decapitated body reveals Dougie's wedding ring in the stomach.
Cooper's doppelgänger sits in his jail cell and correctly predicts that his food is coming. He takes his food and goes to the mirror, noting that BOB is still with him.
At the Pentagon, Colonel Davis is informed that the fingerprints on the Buckhorn body match Garland Briggs's – the sixteenth set of his prints they have found in 25 years. Albert finds Diane, Cooper's erstwhile assistant, in a bar. Lt. Knox arrives in Buckhorn and is stunned to learn that Garland Briggs's fingerprints come from a body in its late forties, not seventies. Albert and Gordon convince Diane to speak to Cooper in prison. She is upset by the conversation and tells Gordon the man is not Cooper.
Cooper's doppelgänger blackmails Warden Murphy into releasing him and Ray. Ray shoots Cooper's doppelgänger. Woodsmen tear at his body, revealing a sac with BOB's face. Ray flees, leaving Phillip Jeffries a message that Cooper's doppelgänger may have survived. Later, Cooper's doppelgänger awakens.
[In 1945 New Mexico, the first atomic bomb is detonated. A convenience store is occupied by woodsmen. Floating in a void, the Experiment spews a stream of fluid; one globule manifests BOB's face. In a building above a purple sea, a man resembling the giant watches the detonation, the convenience store, and BOB. He levitates, light emanating from his head. Señorita Dido enters, and an orb with Laura Palmer’s face inside floats down to her. She sends the orb to Earth. In 1956 New Mexico, a creature hatches from an egg. A woodsman descends to the ground, then enters a radio station and kills the receptionist. Overpowering the disc jockey, he repeatedly broadcasts the words "This is the water and this is the well. Drink full and descend. The horse is the white of the eyes and dark within", rendering listeners unconscious. The creature enters an unconscious girl's room and climbs down her throat. The woodsman kills the disc jockey and leaves.]
Cooper's doppelgänger meets hitmen Hutch and Chantal at a farm. He sends a text to Diane and calls Todd to ask if he has done "it" yet. He orders Murphy's death and mentions a job in Las Vegas.
The FBI stops in Buckhorn to examine the body with Briggs's fingerprints. Hastings tells Tammy that he and Ruth visited Briggs in another dimension, where he had been "hibernating" for years, and witnessed his beheading as he was saying Cooper's name. Hastings's secretary was killed in a car explosion and his lawyer arrested for the murder of his wife.
Gordon has a vision of Laura. Albert informs him that the FBI has intercepted a text message from Diane informing someone of Hastings' arrest. Tammy shows them a photo that places Cooper's doppelgänger at the location of the New York murders. At the location where Hastings met Briggs, the FBI finds Ruth's body with coordinates written on one arm. Gordon sees woodsmen in a portal and is drawn back by Albert. One of the woodsmen sneaks up on Hastings and kills him.
Gordon and Albert recruit Tammy and deputize Diane to the Blue Rose task force. Albert interrupts Gordon and his French lady friend to show him a text message Diane received asking about Las Vegas. Chantal and Hutch assassinate Warden Murphy. Diane finds that the coordinates on Ruth Davenport's arm point to Twin Peaks.
Cooper's doppelganger arrives at the farm as Ray and his associates watch him on security camera. They bring him to their location and he says he is there to see Ray. He is told that Renzo is the leader of the men, as he is undefeated in arm-wrestling. The doppelganger likens this practice to children's games and challenges Renzo, wagering Ray. After much toying with his opponent, the doppelganger wins, then kills him.
As the group' new leader, he is granted his request to be alone with Ray, who – after being shot in the leg – tells him the details of his contract from Phillip Jeffries to kill the doppelganger, as he has "something inside" (Bob) that he wants. Ray takes out the owl cave ring, saying that he was supposed to put it on him after killing him. Richard Horne joins the group as they watch on camera the doppelganger and Ray, who hands over the coordinates. Ray tells the doppelganger Jeffries' last known location and is killed. The ring disappears from his finger and appears in the red room, followed by himself. MIKE places the ring on its pedestal.
Hutch and Chantal drive towards Utah, discussing Mormons.

Twin Peaks

Dr. Jacoby receives a shipment of shovels. Dr. Jacoby broadcasts conspiracy theory videos to sell his golden shovels, with Jerry Horne and Nadine Hurley among his viewers. Nadine Hurley watches Dr. Jacoby's latest broadcast from her drapery store.
At the Great Northern, Ben Horne introduces his brother Jerry to his new secretary, Beverly.
Deputy Chief Hawk gets a call from the Log Lady, who tells him some evidence relating to Dale Cooper is missing. Hawk continues his investigation and approaches Glastonbury Grove, the entrance to the Lodge near Twin Peaks. Hawk, Andy and Lucy are unable to discern what is "missing".
Sheriff Frank Truman gets an update on Hawk's investigation, and Deputy Bobby Briggs recalls that Cooper was the last person to see his father, Major Garland Briggs, before his death.
Andy and Lucy's son Wally Brando arrives at the Sheriff's Office to pay his respects to his godfather, Harry Truman.
Norma sorts through documents as Heidi is serving and Becky delivers bread to Toad and gets money from Shelly. Norma goes to Shelly, urging her to help Becky rather than continue to enable her. Becky takes the money to Steven and they snort a drug.
At the Twin Peaks sheriff's station, Hawk and Andy continue to sort through files.
Richard Horne smokes underneath a 'no smoking' sign. Employee Federico asks him to quit and the off-duty Deputy Chad Broxford takes over but ends up taking a bribe from Horne. Charlotte, from the next table over with Elizabeth, asks him for a light, but he grabs her and threatens to assault her.
Shelly is meeting friends at the Roadhouse, shares a nostalgic moment with James Hurley and flirts with Red. Red, who is a drug supplier, charges Richard Horne with a delivery. Richard speeds recklessly in his truck, running over and killing a young boy. The incident is witnessed by Carl Rodd, who comforts the boy's mother, and kindergarten teacher Miriam.
Hawk drops a coin in the bathroom and sees that the stall manufacturer's logo is a Nez Percé chief. Noticing two screws missing from the stall door, he finds several written pages inside.
Jerry Horne wakes up in the woods, extremely stoned from his last bout of doing drugs. He calls Ben, frantically claiming someone stole his car and he does not know where he is.
Hawk and Frank Truman examine the pages torn from Laura's diary. One entry describes a dream in which Annie tells Laura that the good Dale is trapped in the Lodge. Frank calls Doc Hayward, who recounts his memories of the day Cooper returned from the Lodge.
Andy arranges to meet the farmer who owns the truck driven by Richard Horne in the hit-and-run, but he never arrives.
Beverly tries to locate the source of a mysterious hum in Ben Horne's office, then returns home to her terminally ill husband, Tom.
Roadhouse owner Jean-Michel talks on the phone about his prostitution business.
Late at night at the Double R Diner, Heidi and Shelly serve customers while Norma goes through some paperwork. A man runs in and asks if anyone has seen Billy before running out again.
Bobby visits his mother with Truman and Hawk to ask about Cooper; her husband Major Briggs long ago foretold their arrival, and she gives them a cylinder containing a location, date, and Cooper's name written twice.
Johnny Horne injures himself, and Jerry Horne hallucinates his foot is talking to him.
Truman removes a slip of paper with directions, which Bobby understands, noting the "Jack Rabbits Palace" to be an imaginary place he and his father had during his childhood. Also in the object is the transmission Briggs intercepted with Cooper's name.
Ben and Beverly again investigate the strange noise in the hotel, which Ben likens to a monastery bell. The two nearly share a romantic moment, but Ben politely refuses.
Richard Horne confronts Miriam, who tells him she has written to Sheriff Truman about the hit-and-run. He attacks her and leaves her for dead in her trailer, then has Deputy Chad intercept the letter.
Carl plays guitar and sings outside of his trailer and stops when a red mug is thrown through a trailer window by Steven Burnett, who is inside abusing Becky.
Jerry, lost in the woods, yells when he loses phone signal.
Richard attacks his grandmother Sylvia in her home and robs her. She calls Ben and demands money from him. Ben asks Beverly to have dinner with him.
Hawk receives another call from the Log Lady, who tells him "Laura is the one."
A group of children discover Miriam crawling from the underbrush.
Becky learns Steven has been cheating on her with Gersten Hayward. She drives to Gersten's apartment and shoots through the door, but the couple are elsewhere. At the diner, Becky's parents, Shelly and Bobby, discuss the incident with her. Red arrives and Shelly leaves to kiss him. A child fires a gun through the diner window, causing a commotion.
While Hawk and Truman study an ancient map, the Log Lady calls Hawk and tells him "There's fire where you are going."
Jerry runs out of the woods and into a clearing.
Sarah Palmer buys alcoholic beverages and cigarettes at a grocery store. She also inquires about an unfamiliar jerky being sold at the store. She warns them of men coming and suffers a breakdown.
Carl Rodd stops a trailer park resident, Kriscol, asking him about his income and gives him $50, saying not to pay his rent for the month.
Hawk goes to Sarah's home. He hears a noise inside, which Sarah dismisses as something in the kitchen. Hawk ensures her that if she needs anything, to call him.
Miriam lays unconscious in a hospital bed at Calhoun Memorial Hospital.
Audrey Horne demands that her husband, Charlie, help her find Billy, her missing lover. He reluctantly phones Tina, and is astonished by what she tells him, but does not tell Audrey what Tina said.
Frank Truman visits Ben Horne to tell him his grandson Richard killed the boy in the hit-and-run, and then attempted to kill the only witness, Miriam. Ben gives Frank the key to Room 315 as a memento for Harry, and agrees to pay Miriam's medical costs.
At the Double R Diner, Shelly gets a phone call from Becky, who says that Steven has been absent for two days and she is worried about him. Shelly invites her daughter to the diner for pie.
Bobby goes to the diner and visits with Ed and Norma. He describes to them that he came across some belongings of his father. Walter Lawford soon shows up to join Norma and Ed and Bobby move to another booth. Walter reports on the franchise progress of the diner, saying that she is selling her pies too cheap, though she disagrees with the franchise stores' practices compared to the flagship store.
At Run Silent, Run Drapes, Nadine is visited by Jacoby after he spotted one of his shovels in the window. He expresses his admiration for the decoration and she praises him and his show. They reflect on their last meeting at a supermarket during a storm.
Sarah watches boxing as she drinks.
A near-hysterical Audrey demands Charlie to tell him what Tina had told him. He tells her to go to the Roadhouse to see if Billy is there, offering to go with her, though she is indecisive and breaks down crying.
At the Roadhouse, an MC introduces James Hurley, who performs "Just You" as a clearly moved Renee watches.
Ed sits alone at Big Ed's Gas Farm.

Since Ol' Woody has been mentioned in several threads here of late I'm adding a story about him and a list of his tweets created by an exmo, Book of Mordor.
The Tweets of Wilford Woodruff
Introduction
At the end of an artfully concealed passageway within the F (First Presidency's) Vault at Granite Mountain can be found a hidden trap door leading to a secret sub-basement. Using my special set of skills, I had navigated my way into this forgotten room. I passed by the Liahona, the Sword of Laban, what looked like a Jaredite-barge shining stone thingy, and the head of Shiz in a jar; these trifles were not the reason for my dangerous and clandestine visit. I found myself sweating and mopped my face with the nearby Title of Liberty.
In the far corner of the sub-basement, I spotted an opening in the floor. Creeping over for a closer look, I beheld a spiral staircase winding endlessly down into the abyssal blackness. Eldritch symbols and unsettling images were engraved upon its cold steps, but I knew that I must descend, for the mysterious Fat Man had insisted there was no other way. My flashlight flickered and I hoped that I had inserted alkaline batteries instead of the cheap regular ones.
At length, I arrived at the nethermost alcove below the mountain. And there! next to the casks of Amontillado I spied the prize and object of my search: a small locked wooden box. But not just any box, for it contained a priceless artifact. I promptly seized the box and got the hell out of there.
Returning to my room at the Crystal Inn Hotel in Murray, I brought out the key which had proven so difficult to procure. If you can recall that one "Pirates" scene with Will Turner and a sleeping Davy Jones at the organ, you get the idea. But that tale I dare not relate in full. Suffice it to say that the telling would cause men to weep and women to giggle.
My hand trembled as the key turned and the lock clicked open. I slowly raised the lid and at last gazed with wonder on that for which I had risked all. With my heart pounding, I removed it, and so I now hold...the Flash Drive of the Prophets.
The Flash Drive of the Prophets! Naught but rumors and whispers can be heard about it from the wizened merchants who lurk in the dark recesses of City Creek Center. To think that I am now in possession of it is almost more than I can bear. But I must make haste, and share what I can of the supernal treasures stored on it. And so I present to you, dear readers, the Tweets of Wilford Woodruff.
@Big_Ol_Woody - Getting dunked a mormon in a few. Gonna be an #IceBath, f**king freezing!!! 10:48 AM Ð 31 Dec 1833
@Big_Ol_Woody - @ParleyPPratt says I have 2 go 2 some podunk place called Kirtland. Pratt's a horse's @$$ control freak. Why do I have this urge 2 run? 3:41 PM Ð 1 Apr 1834
@Big_Ol_Woody - Meeting the big guy @JosephSmithJr now. Hairy dude. Whats up w/ all the girls & can I get some? 11:22 AM Ð 25 Apr 1834
@Big_Ol_Woody - Showed JS a leg bone & arrowhead. He's #OffHisMeds, starts on about a white Indian named Zelph. Great prophet Onandagus, I call bulls**t. 1:14 PM Ð 3 Jun 1834
@Big_Ol_Woody - Mission, WTF?!? No one told me that! #BaitAndSwitch 10:58 AM Ð 11 Nov 1834
@Big_Ol_Woody - Movin on up, in the 1Q70 now. Gonna get small folks 2 #PaintMyHouse 4 me. ROFL! 12:39 PM Ð 3 Jan 1837
@Big_Ol_Woody - Got me some action at last ABOUT TIME! Phoebe's 30 like me not a babe but I'll take it. JS promised me a bunch more later haha. 8:03 AM Ð 14 Apr 1837
@Big_Ol_Woody - Another mission?! Finally getting laid & have 2 leave again, whats wrong w/ u ppl? 11:40 AM Ð 9 May 1837
@Big_Ol_Woody - Made APOSTLE 2day! JACKPOT!! I'm famous, u must all BOW DOWN BE4 ME! 3:11 PM Ð 26 Apr 1839
@Big_Ol_Woody - Another fking mission. England this time. Fk. 8:46 AM Ð 8 Aug 1839
@Big_Ol_Woody - Dunked 600 chumps past 6 wks. @JohnTaylor had the idea, calls it #CricketBaptisms. Seems 2 work. 11:17 PM Ð 10 Apr 1840
@Big_Ol_Woody - Seeing Phoebe soon, YES! Horny as all s**t, have 2 make up 4 lost time. 9:43 AM Ð 2 Jun 1841
@Big_Ol_Woody - JS showed me the "Urem&Thumem" (sp?) 2day. Just a f**king rock but had 2 make a HUGE deal like OMG! OMG, faint! LOL!! Rube. 7:09 PM Ð 27 Dec 1841
@Big_Ol_Woody - Goofy s**t around here starting 2 get 2 me. Seeing stream of light in sky shaped like sword. Must be going crazy. 8:21 PM Ð 10 Mar 1843
@Big_Ol_Woody - Oh my head. F**king sky sword changed in2 a ring w/ balls of light inside. JS says sky sword means big war coming. #NauvooMadHouse 9:12 PM Ð 14 Mar 1843
@Big_Ol_Woody - BIG DAY 2DAY GETTIN MY SECOND ANOINTING ON!!! #GoldenTicket #IGotMine 10:02 AM Ð 28 Jan 1844
@Big_Ol_Woody - Moved in2 new house yesterday. Got it "broken in" last nite w/ Phoebe heh. Life = good. 8:31 AM Ð 5 Mar 1844
@Big_Ol_Woody - Another mission ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME??? Want 2 kick JS in the nutz. #LoserTyrant 4:04 PM Ð 6 May 1844
@Big_Ol_Woody - OHHH S**T reading in Boston paper JS shot, killed. Bet that SOB Young is gonna try 2 take over. Not good. Need 2 get drunk fast. 3:50 PM Ð 9 Jul 1844
@Big_Ol_Woody - Its over. #TheBrigham is prez now. Every1 else kissed butt so couldn't say anything. Have 2 play nice. F**k we're doomed. 2:57 PM Ð 8 Aug 1844
@Big_Ol_Woody - Another mission 2 #Europe but it's OK this time b/c I'm MP now & can order every1 around. #HastenTheWork serfs!! 12:25 PM Ð 12 Aug 1844
@Big_Ol_Woody - Back in Nauvoo again WhereTF is every1? Half the town gone. Oh well got 2 run home I have DEEP blue balls LOL! 3:33 PM Ð 13 Apr 1846
@Big_Ol_Woody - Some army jerkwad wants volunteers 4 #MexicanWar. F**k that. Where were u earlier? Passed buck up 2 #TheBrigham. 11:20 AM Ð 26 Jun 1846
@Big_Ol_Woody - Marrying 3 chix 2day have #HaremOf4 SWEEEET!! Mary A's 28 Mary C's 17 Sarah's 18 & I can hardly wait! Phoebe not happy TFB. 8:44 AM Ð 2 Aug 1846
@Big_Ol_Woody - Teenage wives a pain, want guys their own age. Can't figure it out. BE GONE YE HARLOTS! Just the 2 wifeys 4 now. 10:55 AM Ð 29 Aug 1846
@Big_Ol_Woody - OW FK A TREE JUST FELL ON ME FK GODDAM S**T THAT HURTS OW OW 2:27 PM Ð 15 Oct 1846
@Big_Ol_Woody - Both wives preg, always complaining about something SHUT IT! Leaving em 2 each other 4 female bonding. ROAD TRIP YEAH!! 4:06 PM Ð 5 Apr 1847
@Big_Ol_Woody - This place is a dump, total #ForsakenWasteland. Deseret my @$$. BY = idiot. 9:56 AM Ð 24 Jul 1847
@Big_Ol_Woody - Climbing a mountain 2day. Full suit tie & vest. Fk I'm hot tired & #NeedABath. It's never enough is it BY? Never fking enough. Ever. 12:34 PM Ð 26 Jul 1847
I have been discovered. My actions here have alerted the Strengthening Church Members Committee. Even as I write I can hear Danite footsteps echoing in the hall. I must escape. Brethren, hasta ma–ana.
Praise Darwin, I have outwitted my foes. Oaks' Blokes chased me down the fire stairs and into the hotel lobby, but I threw down some banana peels upon which they slipped and fell. My northern and eastern escape routes were too heavily guarded, and Wendover is a hole. I have turned south and found refuge in Santaquin, but cannot linger.
@Big_Ol_Woody - F**ked up dream, prob drank 2 much #barleycorn. Saw JS & a lot of ppl in white robes making crowns. Have 2 get off the stuff. 2:17 AM Ð 16 Mar 1848
@Big_Ol_Woody - Mary A divorcing me 2morrow WTF is going on? Not like I've been away from home neglecting her, oh wait I did. All right go then. S**t. 1:51 PM Ð 10 May 1848
@Big_Ol_Woody - Have 2 tell BY I need women 2 #LiveUp2Privileges. Down 2 only Phoebe since last divorce, not enough. Must find #PerkyBoobs soon. 10:03 AM Ð 16 Mar 1852
@Big_Ol_Woody - S**t, have 2 marry this widow named Mary, she's 48. Older than me. Guess #TheBrigham is pissed at me. Need 2 brown nose again. 9:26 PM Ð 27 Mar 1852
@Big_Ol_Woody - Mary died 2day so just 1 wife again. We can #KeepEmComing tho. Have another picked out already, Clarissa's 17. 6:16 PM Ð 3 Oct 1852
@Big_Ol_Woody - #TheBrigham dedicating #SLTemple site, droning on & on & on. Will NOT close pie hole. Want 2 go home, drink #beer. 11:41 AM Ð 14 Feb 1853
@Big_Ol_Woody - Bad luck w/ teens, Clarissa divorced me 2. Trying again 2day w/ 2 new hotties, Emma 15 & Sarah 19. I'm 46 haha. SCORE. 8:28 AM Ð 13 Mar 1853
@Big_Ol_Woody - Off again, have 2 travel across the fking country 2 buy st 4 the #DeseretAlphabet. Just another wild hair out of BY's @$$. 9:02 AM Ð 3 Mar 1856
@Big_Ol_Woody - Addressed bumpkins in conf 2day in favor of #handcart ops. All have 2 back #TheBrigham on this or else. #NoConscience 3:23 PM Ð 6 Oct 1856
@Big_Ol_Woody - Promised hayseeds some would be alive 4 return of #TenTribes & give em endowments. Never know what the f**k I'm talking about. 1:57 PM Ð 22 Feb 1857
@Big_Ol_Woody - OH: @JamesBuchanan 2 send in US Army. ROFLMAO!! #BringItOn, Prez! We shall summon mighty earthquakes 2 swallow you up!! 12:08 PM Ð 24 Jul 1857
@Big_Ol_Woody - Another wife 2day! 9th overall but 4th staying. Hard 2 keep track. Sarah Delight's just 19 say hi 2 Mr. Woodruff! #DelightMe 11:01 AM Ð 31 Jul 1857
@Big_Ol_Woody - @JohnDLee ran in 2day shouting about #MountainMeadows something? Said Indians killed ppl. Yawn. BFD, need 2 get ready 4 army. 3:47 PM Ð 29 Sep 1857
@Big_Ol_Woody - Spoke 2day in the Tab, said #God progressing in knowledge & power. Crowd ate it up, go figure. These dips**ts believe everything. 2:24 PM Ð 6 Dec 1857
@Big_Ol_Woody - Running away 2 Provo since army's almost here. Expected #God 2 send down useful s**t like #FlamingAngels but nope. #WhatElseIsNew 9:05 AM Ð 7 Apr 1858
@Big_Ol_Woody - Yeah right wool. Nothin better 2 wear in CK huh Heber u jackhole? RT @HeberCKimball: Peter wore wool when he came 2 Kirtland temple 3:46 PM Ð 9 Feb 1862
@Big_Ol_Woody - Emma ready 2 pop any day, Delight 3 mo along. Sarah's turn 2 receive some laying on of hands & gift of the holy spurt haha. 6:58 PM Ð 29 Jan 1863
@Big_Ol_Woody - Prophesied Albany 2 be destroyed by fire, Boston by tidal wave, NYC by quake. BY stood up & agreed. We're just makin it all up as we go. 4:12 PM Ð 21 Aug 1863
@Big_Ol_Woody - Emma & Delight WAY preggers & HUUUGE, Sarah busy nursing kid last 8 mo, Phoebe's 61, nowhere 2 go 4 sugar. 2:35 PM Ð 13 Jul 1868
@Big_Ol_Woody - Have 2 put up w/ this batst EVERY SINGLE FKING DAY around here. RT @BrighamYoung: #Sun & #Moon are inhabited 5:00 PM Ð 24 Jul 1870
@Big_Ol_Woody - Think I finally did it, 3 wives prego at same time. D*ck is sore tho & G's rub against it fierce. #NoSpermLeft, balls shrunk 2 pea size. 10:42 PM Ð 21 Nov 1872
@Big_Ol_Woody - OH: rumor #PolandAct passed by @Congress yesterday, easier 2 prosecute plyg. We will DIE be4 we abandon plyg!!! #NoSurrender 10:29 AM Ð 24 Jun 1874
@Big_Ol_Woody - Got the shaft again. I'm older than Taylor, next in line but fking Q12 jumped him ahead of me just b/c he was ordained 1st. Hate u fks. 1:48 PM Ð 10 Apr 1875
@Big_Ol_Woody - Talked again about #TenTribes coming soon. Might even convince myself of this s**t someday. #NotGonnaHappen 2:45 PM Ð 24 Jun 1875
@Big_Ol_Woody - Told everybody 2day that #Millennium is dawning soon blah blah. Would be amazed if anything I said ever actually happened. 3:31 PM Ð 12 Sep 1875
@Big_Ol_Woody - Meeting w/ @UlyssesSGrant, as usual #TheBrigham is boring the living s**t out of the Prez. Put a sock in it 4 once u douche. 10:18 AM Ð 3 Oct 1875
@Big_Ol_Woody - BY said 2 write temple s**t down. Started last Nov u dumb coot. Will make this crapola all scary weird w/ #BloodOaths 2 freak ppl out haha. 12:32 PM Ð 14 Jan 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Think BY likes me b/c he's giving me his daughter Eudora 2morrow. She's 24 & OK I guess. Can't do s**t at 70 tho. 5:22 PM Ð 9 Mar 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - #TheBrigham doesnt like me after all, I get now why he dumped his daughter on me. Well played BY. 11:14 AM Ð 11 Mar 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - You'll NEVER believe this!! Bunch of ghosts in wigs just showed up in SG Temple! G-Wash, T-Jef, B-Frank, all of em! OMG SICK!!! 12:56 PM Ð 19 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Now they're all #BooHoo about no temple work 4 em yet. Waited soooo long wah wah wah. Scuse us guys we've been busy. 12:59 PM Ð 19 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Introducing themselves 1 by 1. BORRRING. U signed #DeclarationOfIndependence? Never heard of most of these ppl. Who are all u jokers?? 1:07 PM Ð 19 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Button Gwinet? (sp?) WTF stupid name is Button? Wait til I tell BY's kid Mahonri Moriancumer Young, he'll die laughing. Button, ROFL!! 2:21 PM Ð 19 Aug 1877
I hear voices in the distance, shouts of "Oh, fetch!" coming closer. How did they find me so quickly? Into the night once more. Brethren, peace out.
Again I have survived. The fools really ought to remove their sunglasses at night, but it seems to be against the rules. They left only the chauffeur to guard their car, a custom 2013 Bentley Mulsanne bearing the license plate "MONSON6." (How many does he have?) I dispatched the poor fellow using a can of Mountain Dew heavily laced with Ex-Lax, then drove away. I exited the interstate at Nephi, later abandoned the Bentley in Milford and have made my way to Minersville. I should be safe here. No one has ever visited this town.
@Big_Ol_Woody - It's T-Jef by himself this time. Looks uncomfortable, says something about wants 2 marry #SallyHemings? I say IDK, need more info. 10:34 AM Ð 20 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - OK get this. So I pray & see Sally! HOLY S**T SMOKIN HOT!!! I get an idea, play cool, say sorry no, #CurseOfCain etc. He's sad & goes. 10:38 AM Ð 20 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - TJ's back. I offer 2 swap my 3rd, 4th & 6th wives 2 him 4 Sally. Don't fess up these 3 divorced me haha. He says he'll get back 2 me. 1:19 PM Ð 20 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Can u f*king BELIEVE IT?!? #SelfishGhost said *NO 2 my trade!! T-JEF IS AN A-HOLE!!! #IWantSally 3:53 PM Ð 20 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Got dunking done 4 all these dead guys & a few more. Got water up my nose LOL! #Columbus will be sooo grateful 2 me! 7:30 PM Ð 21 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Just woke up from dream about Sally H, look down & ewwww gross!!! Long time since that happened, didn't know I still could haha! 1:16 AM Ð 25 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - BIG news! BY finally kicked it, seemed that tool would never go! Guess that HOT @AnnElizaWebb broke his heart. Annie #TelegraphMe anytime!! 11:57 PM Ð 29 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - At funeral of #TheBrigham, now I'm 1 step closer 2 prez. Snoozefest, bored 2 tears. Have 2 speak later, hope I can stay awake. 10:24 AM Ð 2 Sep 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Eudora had son yesterday but he died. Time 2 visit Emma 4 replacement. Delight 7 mo preg wonder if she's OK haha. 8:29 AM Ð 2 Apr 1878
@Big_Ol_Woody - got 2 run n hide the us marshals r after me that bch eudora divorced me n ratted me out 2 the govt why do all these bches turn on me? 7:43 PM Ð 7 Feb 1879
@Big_Ol_Woody - Beware O Earth 4 the Hour of the Judgment of #God is Upon U! Seriously! I'm Not Kidding This Time, I Really Really Mean It!! 5:13 AM Ð 26 Jan 1880
@Big_Ol_Woody - Q12 droolers took my Jan nutter ramblings as the Word of #TheLord so it's official #revelation. Shaking my head, it's a #circus here. 4:48 PM Ð 4 Apr 1880
@Big_Ol_Woody - Talking on #SignsOfTimes, this generation 2 see return of JC blah blah blah. Have 2 keep it going til the gomers wise up 2 us. 3:17 PM Ð 3 Jul 1880
@Big_Ol_Woody - Telegram: Prez @ChesterAArthur signed #EdmundsAct yesterday. #TheLord shall PROTECT US as w/ FIRE ye MINIONS OF SATAN!!! 10:11 AM Ð 25 Mar 1882
@Big_Ol_Woody - Saw CK mansions in dream last nite, the best #HeavenlyArchitects were building em. Must be getting f**king senile or something. 6:06 AM Ð 30 Dec 1882
@Big_Ol_Woody - Have 2 go on the run again, gettin 2 old 4 this st. What a fking joke, not like I'm boning any1, #CantGetItUp w/ a pulley. 8:14 AM Ð 14 Jan 1885
@Big_Ol_Woody - GEO EDMUNDS & JOHN TUCKER BY THE POWER OF THE P/H IN THE NAME OF J-C I SENTENCE U BOTH 2 INSTANT DEATH & ETERNAL DAMNATION IN OUTER DARKNESS 10:59 AM Ð 14 Jan 1887
@Big_Ol_Woody - Did it work? 8:41 PM Ð 15 Jan 1887
@Big_Ol_Woody - F**k me we are so screwed 11:28 AM Ð 17 Jan 1887
@Big_Ol_Woody - OH: Taylor died yesterday so I'm prez now. Super, just f**king splendid. Can't even go 2 #outhouse w/ out being arrested. 1:15 PM Ð 26 Jul 1887
@Big_Ol_Woody - Put my foot in it again. Prophesied that SS & MIA kids in audience 2 live 2 see #SecondComing. I'll be long dead by then #SoSueMe. 11:03 AM Ð 29 Jul 1889
@Big_Ol_Woody - Ridiculous horses**t, surrounded by cretins. RT @OrsonFWhitney: JS: #TowerOfBabel built 2 reach #CityOfEnoch suspended in midair 10:37 PM Ð 22 Sep 1889
@Big_Ol_Woody - Another #revelation from #God hooray! Not going 2 give up plyg 2 become state. #TheKingdom doesn't take terms it makes em. 10:36 PM Ð 24 Nov 1889
@Big_Ol_Woody - Telegram: @SupremeCourt upheld #EdmundsTucker. #God promised 2 fight our f**king battles but chucked us, what a surprise. 9:44 AM Ð 20 May 1890
@Big_Ol_Woody - Time 2 give up plyg. Need 2 make up some lame@$$ excuse 4 blowhards like BY & Kimball & Pratt etc. Thx a heap #God big help u were. 1:54 PM Ð 24 Sep 1890
@Big_Ol_Woody - Have 2 #TapDance 4 every1 about why we caved after 50 yrs of big bulls**t CK promises & brave talk of US collapse. #EpicFail 9:49 AM Ð 6 Oct 1890
@Big_Ol_Woody - It's good. Said more crap about never leading the church astray, remove out of our place blah blah. Will all #BlowOverSoon, plebs wont remember. 11:10 AM Ð 6 Oct 1890
@Big_Ol_Woody - @JosephFSmith asked 4 chat w/ son J Fielding 2day his 15 bday. #WeirdKid if u ask me. Arrogant little f**k, not 2 sharp, kinda creepy. 1:42 PM Ð 19 Jul 1891
@Big_Ol_Woody - Dedicating #SLTemple 2day, hosanna, hosanna barf. Have #hangover, feel like s**t, might need #coffee 2 stay sharp haha. 9:19 AM Ð 6 Apr 1893
@Big_Ol_Woody - Told peasants in conf 2day #OMyFather is #revelation haha. Sometimes I kill me. 4:52 PM Ð 8 Oct 1893
@Big_Ol_Woody - B-Frank said hi in bizarro dream. Had long talk, he wanted more temple s**t done. I said OK if he would bug T-Jef about #SallyHemings. 3:46 AM Ð 20 Mar 1894
@Big_Ol_Woody - Utah state but w/ out plyg dammit. Bogus Ô89 #revelation was test from #God I bet. Uh yeah thats it. U cant criticize me I'm the profit. 12:08 PM Ð 4 Jan 1896
@Big_Ol_Woody - Conf talk earlier 2day, kids here 2 be alive 4 #SecondComing. Same ol s**t 60 yrs, they're just never gonna learn. Dumb@$$es 4ever. 6:25 PM Ð 8 Apr 1898
Betrayed! facepalm It must have been a local, besotted with the false promises of a special second anointing for my capture. If I could hie to Kolob Canyons I might yet stand a chance. I will return and report, should I live. Brethren, whatever.
The Tweets of Wilford Woodruff: The Hunt is On!
It has come to this at last. I was hotly pursued into Zion National Park and alas! have tragically lost the Flash Drive of the Prophets while scrambling over the lovely pink cliffs. I fear that it will never be found, save perhaps by an intrepid contributor to this board. Once I reach Mesquite I think I will be free. The Committee has no power beyond Utah, and the breakfast buffet at the Casa Blanca is not half bad. I thank you, dear readers, for your time and attention but damn I really must move or I am toast. Brethr
The Tweets of Wilford Woodruff: Epilogue
The boys were close on my heels all the way to St. George, where I ditched them for good as they were gorging on thirds at Golden Corral's dessert table. I held to the course of the Virgin River through Arizona, entering Nevada near Bunkerville. Being famished I was compelled to rustle and BBQ one of Cliven Bundy's cattle. And it came to pass that I arrived in Las Vegas clinging to the back of a big rig. I relax now poolside at Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino. All is well! My adventure is finished and I return to a normal existence, buying tequilas for sun-kissed topless honeys. I thank you once more for your kind attention. Brethren, I do.
The orignal article and other information about LDS Prophets is available here: http://www.salamandersociety.com/foyeprophets/

Rearranging the the episode summaries on Wikipedia and the Wikia I came up with this three part basic summary (not including everything):

Good Cooper

Dale Cooper remains trapped in the Black Lodge. In a grey room, Cooper speaks with The Fireman. [In New York City, Sam Colby sits in a warehouse watching a glass box. Tracey Barberato visits him. With the security guard absent during Tracey's second visit, Sam lets her into the room. As they have sex, a pale androgynous entity—the Experiment—materializes in the glass box and murders them.] Inside the Lodge, Cooper encounters MIKE, Laura and a skeletal tree with a featureless head (an evolved form of MIKE's severed left arm). Laura tells Cooper that he can go out now but the tree says that his doppelgänger has to return first. After an encounter with the tree's doppelgänger intervenes, the floor of the Lodge gives way and Cooper falls into the glass box in New York, then into space. Cooper lands in a metal building where two women (Naido and American Girl) appear to protect him from an unseen entity until he leaves through a portal.
Dougie Jones, who just had sex with Jade, a Las Vegas prostitute, becomes sick and sees the Lodge's red curtains. Dougie is drawn into the Lodge, where he turns into a golden bead. The real Cooper, taking Dougie's place in Las Vegas, is found in a disoriented state by the prostitute, who drops him off at a casino. Criminals who are pursuing 'Dougie' place a bomb under his car, still parked outside the Jade's house. Cooper wanders around the casino and plays slot machines marked by hallucinatory images of the Lodge, winning megajackpots every time. Cooper wins 28 consecutive megajackpots at the casino, totaling $425,000, then is driven to Dougie's home. Dougie's wife, Janey-E, is upset about her husband's three-day disappearance, but she is relieved that they can pay his $20,000 gambling debt ($52,000 after interest).
Still near-catatonic, Cooper settles into Dougie's life. While getting dressed, he sees a vision of MIKE, who informs him that either he or his remaining doppelgänger must die. Janey-E drops Cooper at Dougie's workplace, where he reacts to a statue outside, the smell of coffee, and the words "agent" and "case files". After a light illuminates a colleague's face, Cooper accuses him of lying, angering Dougie's boss.
The criminals who planted the bomb under Dougie's car contact their superior, Lorraine, who expresses fear of being killed if the job isn't completed and sets off a mysterious alarm. Later, Dougie's car explodes when some car thieves trigger the bomb. The Mitchums beat and fire the casino supervisor, accusing him of complicity in Cooper's winning streak. Jade drops Cooper's Great Northern Hotel room key in a mailbox. Police take Cooper to Dougie's home and Janey-E receives a photo of Cooper with the prostitute from two criminals demanding Dougie's gambling debts plus interest, totaling $52,000. Janey-E meets them, lambasts them and gives them $25,000, her "first, last and only offer". Cooper draws cryptic images on the case files, guided by lights on the pages. Dougie's boss recognizes a pattern in the drawings and thanks Cooper. Cooper has another vision of MIKE telling him "Wake up! Don't die!". Duncan Todd retrieves an envelope marked with a black spot from his safe and sends it to hitman Ike "The Spike" Stadtler. The envelope contains photos of Lorraine and Dougie. Ike kills Lorraine and her coworkers, demolishing his signature "spike" weapon in the process. Police visit Cooper at Dougie's workplace to question him about his destroyed car. As he leaves with Janey-E, Ike runs at them with a gun, but Cooper expertly disarms him while having a vision of the skeletal tree. Dougie's boss says that Dougie sometimes has episodes due to a car accident. The Las Vegas police discover no record of Dougie Jones before 1997, and take fingerprints and DNA from Cooper's coffee mug. They arrest Ike "the Spike", who has left a phone message for "J.T". Duncan Todd orders Anthony Sinclair to frame 'Dougie' for the denial of an arson insurance claim that lost the Mitchums $30 million. The Mitchums see a news story about Ike's arrest, and recognize Cooper as "Mr. Jackpots". Janey-E notices that her husband's physique has improved and has sex with him. Dougie's boss sends Cooper to give the Mitchums a $30 million check after realizing their claim is legitimate. The Mitchums plan to kill Cooper, but after Bradley has a prophetic dream, they decide he is not their enemy and take him for drinks, where Cooper reacts to the words "damn good" while eating cherry pie. Cooper and Sonny Jim play catch. The Mitchum brothers and their assistants take Cooper to Bushnell Mullins' office, celebrating and bearing gifts for Mullins. Anthony Sinclair hides from the brothers as he fearfully calls Duncan Todd, who gives him one day to kill "Jones." Delivery men bring a gym set for Sonny Jim and a new car to the Jones home as Janey-E happily looks on. Janey-E and Cooper later watch Sonny Jim play on his new gym set.
The Detectives Fusco look over the results of "Douglas Jones"' fingerprint as an altercation takes place in the next room. Sinclair comes to see Detective Clark for poison.
Janey-E takes Cooper to work in the new car. Sinclair waits nervously for "Dougie" and takes him to get coffee. After taking a sip, Cooper wanders over to observe the shop's pie as Sinclair laces his coffee. He returns and Sinclair breaks down, leaving with the poisoned coffee. Cooper takes Sinclair's coffee and is brought a slice of pie. Sinclair pours the coffee into a urinal and throws the cup in the trash before apologizing to "Dougie." In Mullins' office, Sinclair tearfully confesses his activities with Todd. Wilson brings Headley to a Douglas and Jane Jones and their family that have been brought in for questioning. However, these are not the correct Joneses, as they have multiple children. Todd tells Roger to find Anthony Sinclair just before they are both assassinated by Chantal. Chantal and Hutch eat in their van. Janey-E brings Cooper a slice of cake, reflecting on their life since they became friends to the Mitchum brothers. As he eats, Cooper observes and experiments with objects on the table, particularly a TV remote. He turns on Sunset Boulevard and hears Gordon Cole's name, startling him. He then looks over at an electrical outlet and crawls toward it, sticking a fork inside and causing a blackout. Hutch and Chantal wait in their van outside the Jones home. Two FBI cars arrive and the agents find that there is nobody home and they head to Lucky 7 Insurance. Cooper lays comatose in a hospital bed, Janey-E and Sonny Jim at his side. Mullins arrives, followed by the Mitchum brothers and their assistants, who bring food, then offer to stock the Jones home. Janey-E takes Sonny Jim to the bathroom, leaving Mullins alone with Cooper. He receives a call about the FBI agents at the insurance office, looking for "Dougie." Hutch and Chantal sit in their van and idly chat as Agent Wilson and another agent return to the Jones home. A limo arrives followed by a bus, brought by the Mitchums, who go into the house. A Polish accountant approaches Hutch and Chantal, complaining that they are in his driveway. When they refuse to move, he pushes their van with his car. Chantal shoots at him and he returns fire. They then drive away and the accountant continues shooting, killing both of them. The FBI arrest the man as the Hutchens' van catches fire. The Mitchums watch the spectacle with confusion. Mullins hears a noise in the hospital and follows it. MIKE appears to Cooper as he wakes up, finally mentally and physically restored to his former self. He tells Cooper that his doppelganger did not return to the Lodge and gives him the ring. Cooper has MIKE make another duplicate of himself with a strand of his hair, similar to the seed that Dougie Jones turned into. Janey-E and Sonny Jim arrive, followed by Mullins. Cooper announces that he is leaving the hospital and the doctor lets him go. Cooper borrows Mullins' handgun and asks him to contact the Mitchum brothers to tell them that he is bringing his family to the Silver Mustang Casino and he needs a plane to Spokane. Cooper gives Mullins a message to read to Cole and he gives his farewells. Cooper leaves with the Jones family as the FBI arrives at the hospital. Cooper brings Janey-E and Sonny Jim to the casino and the Mitchums take notice of his different behavior. He tells Janey-E and Sonny Jim that he has to leave, but appreciates the time he spent with them, though assures that he will be back, first misspeaking that Dougie would be back. Janey-E realizes that he is not Dougie, but he does not acknowledge it to them. Janey-E thanks him for his help and kisses him before he goes. Cooper speaks to the Mitchums about his actual identity on the way to the plane. Despite Cooper's career as a lawman, he looks past their criminal activities and sees their hearts of gold.

Bad Cooper

In Buckhorn, South Dakota, Cooper's doppelgänger—a sinister, long-haired man with black irises—retrieves two associates, Ray and Darya. Police find the severed head of Buckhorn librarian Ruth Davenport placed on the headless body of a John Doe. Local principal Bill Hastings's fingerprints are found and he is arrested. Bill denies guilt, but fumbles his alibi. His wife, Phyllis, accuses him of having an affair, while Phyllis has been having an affair with Bill's lawyer, George. A ghostly woodsman occupies another cell. Phyllis is murdered at home by Cooper's doppelgänger. Cooper's doppelgänger attempts to obtain information through Darya, Ray, and another associate, Jack. Perceiving that his associates have turned on him, Cooper's doppelgänger murders Jack and Darya, speaks to 'Phillip Jeffries' and later sets out for a federal prison in South Dakota, where Ray has been jailed. He also reveals that he is due to return to the Lodge, but has a plan to avoid this.
Cooper's doppelgänger drives a car, becomes sick and sees the Black Lodge's red curtains. Cooper's doppelgänger crashes and is apprehended by the police. At the FBI headquarters in Philadelphia, Agent Tamara Preston is debriefing Gordon Cole and Albert Rosenfield when Cole receives a phone call stating that Cooper has been found in South Dakota. The FBI is informed that Cooper has been found and taken to federal prison in South Dakota, where he is interviewed by Gordon, Albert, and Tammy. Gordon and Albert discuss their misgivings about the inmate, one of whose fingerprints is the reverse of Cooper's. They decide to seek the one person they think can help them. Cooper's doppelgänger makes a phone call in prison that causes the security system to go haywire. He says "The cow jumped over the moon," before hanging up, stopping the alarms.
In Buckhorn, an autopsy of the decapitated body reveals Dougie's wedding ring in the stomach.
Cooper's doppelgänger sits in his jail cell and correctly predicts that his food is coming. He takes his food and goes to the mirror, noting that BOB is still with him.
At the Pentagon, Colonel Davis is informed that the fingerprints on the Buckhorn body match Garland Briggs's – the sixteenth set of his prints they have found in 25 years. Albert finds Diane, Cooper's erstwhile assistant, in a bar. Lt. Knox arrives in Buckhorn and is stunned to learn that Garland Briggs's fingerprints come from a body in its late forties, not seventies. Albert and Gordon convince Diane to speak to Cooper in prison. She is upset by the conversation and tells Gordon the man is not Cooper.
Cooper's doppelgänger blackmails Warden Murphy into releasing him and Ray. Ray shoots Cooper's doppelgänger. Woodsmen tear at his body, revealing a sac with BOB's face. Ray flees, leaving Phillip Jeffries a message that Cooper's doppelgänger may have survived. Later, Cooper's doppelgänger awakens.
[In 1945 New Mexico, the first atomic bomb is detonated. A convenience store is occupied by woodsmen. Floating in a void, the Experiment spews a stream of fluid; one globule manifests BOB's face. In a building above a purple sea, a man resembling the giant watches the detonation, the convenience store, and BOB. He levitates, light emanating from his head. Señorita Dido enters, and an orb with Laura Palmer’s face inside floats down to her. She sends the orb to Earth. In 1956 New Mexico, a creature hatches from an egg. A woodsman descends to the ground, then enters a radio station and kills the receptionist. Overpowering the disc jockey, he repeatedly broadcasts the words "This is the water and this is the well. Drink full and descend. The horse is the white of the eyes and dark within", rendering listeners unconscious. The creature enters an unconscious girl's room and climbs down her throat. The woodsman kills the disc jockey and leaves.]
Cooper's doppelgänger meets hitmen Hutch and Chantal at a farm. He sends a text to Diane and calls Todd to ask if he has done "it" yet. He orders Murphy's death and mentions a job in Las Vegas.
The FBI stops in Buckhorn to examine the body with Briggs's fingerprints. Hastings tells Tammy that he and Ruth visited Briggs in another dimension, where he had been "hibernating" for years, and witnessed his beheading as he was saying Cooper's name. Hastings's secretary was killed in a car explosion and his lawyer arrested for the murder of his wife.
Gordon has a vision of Laura. Albert informs him that the FBI has intercepted a text message from Diane informing someone of Hastings' arrest. Tammy shows them a photo that places Cooper's doppelgänger at the location of the New York murders. At the location where Hastings met Briggs, the FBI finds Ruth's body with coordinates written on one arm. Gordon sees woodsmen in a portal and is drawn back by Albert. One of the woodsmen sneaks up on Hastings and kills him.
Gordon and Albert recruit Tammy and deputize Diane to the Blue Rose task force. Albert interrupts Gordon and his French lady friend to show him a text message Diane received asking about Las Vegas. Chantal and Hutch assassinate Warden Murphy. Diane finds that the coordinates on Ruth Davenport's arm point to Twin Peaks.
Cooper's doppelganger arrives at the farm as Ray and his associates watch him on security camera. They bring him to their location and he says he is there to see Ray. He is told that Renzo is the leader of the men, as he is undefeated in arm-wrestling. The doppelganger likens this practice to children's games and challenges Renzo, wagering Ray. After much toying with his opponent, the doppelganger wins, then kills him.
As the group' new leader, he is granted his request to be alone with Ray, who – after being shot in the leg – tells him the details of his contract from Phillip Jeffries to kill the doppelganger, as he has "something inside" (Bob) that he wants. Ray takes out the owl cave ring, saying that he was supposed to put it on him after killing him. Richard Horne joins the group as they watch on camera the doppelganger and Ray, who hands over the coordinates. Ray tells the doppelganger Jeffries' last known location and is killed. The ring disappears from his finger and appears in the black lodge, followed by himself. MIKE places the ring on its pedestal.
Hutch and Chantal drive towards Utah, discussing Mormons.
Cooper's doppelganger drives down a dark road, reaching a convenience store, where a woodsman leads him to a room above it. He requests Phillip Jeffries and is led to a motel. A woman approaches and unlocks a room door for him. Inside the motel room, he meets with Jeffries, speaking through a steam-emitting mechanism. The doppelganger asks about Jeffries sending Ray to kill him and confirms that Jeffries had not contacted him at the motel, and that the person who did had sent Ray. He reflects on Jeffries' appearance at the FBI headquarters and questions him about Judy, who Jeffries' says "Cooper" has already met. A phone rings as the doppelganger continues questioning Jeffries. As the mechanism disappears, the doppelganger answers the phone, but is promptly teleported outside the convenience store, and finds that the line is dead.
Leaving the phone booth, he is confronted by an armed Richard Horne, who knows him as an FBI agent from a photo his mother Audrey kept. "Cooper" quickly disarms him and tells him to join him in the truck. He then sends a text, reading, "Las Vegas?" before leaving with Richard. The convenience store emits electricity and smoke before it disappears.
Told about the ring found in Major Briggs's stomach, Diane identifies Janey-E as her estranged half-sister. Gordon orders the Las Vegas FBI office to search for the Joneses. Gordon recalls dreaming of Monica Bellucci and the last appearance of Phillip Jeffries.
Cooper's doppelganger and Richard drive down a dirt road and make their way to the coordinates that were given to the doppelganger. Jerry sees them as they approach a rock, which Richard is instructed to inspect. On top of the rock, he receives an electric shock and is disintegrated. The doppelganger says "goodbye, my son", then sends a text reading, ":-) ALL" and gets in his truck.
Gordon stands in the hotel at Buckhorn.
Diane smokes at the hotel bar and receives the text sent by Cooper's doppelganger. Unnerved, she "remembers" and responds with a series of numbers. She checks her handbag, revealing a gun before walking away from the bar and goes to Gordon, Albert, and Tammy and tells them about the night Cooper's doppelganger visited her. She recounts the evening, which occurred a few years after Cooper's disappearance. As they visited, the doppelganger only wished to know about the FBI's activities rather than speak about his own whereabouts. He leaned in to kiss her, but something went wrong and caused Diane to be fearful. He then smiled at her and raped her. Diane says that he then took her to an "old gas station" before suddenly declaring that she is in the sheriff's station. Diane becomes very upset, saying "I'm not me," and draws the gun she has in her purse. Albert and Tammy react in time, shooting her before she abruptly disappears. A horrified Tammy realizes Diane was a Tulpa. Gordon questions what she meant by sheriff's station.
Diane appears in the black lodge, where MIKE tells her she was manufactured. She bluntly acknowledges this before cursing him out. Her face breaks open, releasing black smoke and a seed before she disintegrates.

Twin Peaks

Dr. Jacoby receives a shipment of shovels. Dr. Jacoby broadcasts conspiracy theory videos to sell his golden shovels, with Jerry Horne and Nadine Hurley among his viewers. Nadine Hurley watches Dr. Jacoby's latest broadcast from her drapery store.
At the Great Northern, Ben Horne introduces his brother Jerry to his new secretary, Beverly.
Deputy Chief Hawk gets a call from the Log Lady, who tells him some evidence relating to Dale Cooper is missing. Hawk continues his investigation and approaches Glastonbury Grove, the entrance to the Lodge near Twin Peaks. Hawk, Andy and Lucy are unable to discern what is "missing".
Sheriff Frank Truman gets an update on Hawk's investigation, and Deputy Bobby Briggs recalls that Cooper was the last person to see his father, Major Garland Briggs, before his death.
Andy and Lucy's son Wally Brando arrives at the Sheriff's Office to pay his respects to his godfather, Harry Truman.
Norma sorts through documents as Heidi is serving and Becky delivers bread to Toad and gets money from Shelly. Norma goes to Shelly, urging her to help Becky rather than continue to enable her. Becky takes the money to Steven and they snort a drug.
At the Twin Peaks sheriff's station, Hawk and Andy continue to sort through files.
Richard Horne smokes underneath a 'no smoking' sign. Employee Federico asks him to quit and the off-duty Deputy Chad Broxford takes over but ends up taking a bribe from Horne. Charlotte, from the next table over with Elizabeth, asks him for a light, but he grabs her and threatens to assault her.
Shelly is meeting friends at the Roadhouse, shares a nostalgic moment with James Hurley and flirts with Red. Red, who is a drug supplier, charges Richard Horne with a delivery. Richard speeds recklessly in his truck, running over and killing a young boy. The incident is witnessed by Carl Rodd, who comforts the boy's mother, and kindergarten teacher Miriam.
Hawk drops a coin in the bathroom and sees that the stall manufacturer's logo is a Nez Percé chief. Noticing two screws missing from the stall door, he finds several written pages inside.
Jerry Horne wakes up in the woods, extremely stoned from his last bout of doing drugs. He calls Ben, frantically claiming someone stole his car and he does not know where he is.
Hawk and Frank Truman examine the pages torn from Laura's diary. One entry describes a dream in which Annie tells Laura that the good Dale is trapped in the Lodge. Frank calls Doc Hayward, who recounts his memories of the day Cooper returned from the Lodge.
Andy arranges to meet the farmer who owns the truck driven by Richard Horne in the hit-and-run, but he never arrives.
Beverly tries to locate the source of a mysterious hum in Ben Horne's office, then returns home to her terminally ill husband, Tom.
Roadhouse owner Jean-Michel talks on the phone about his prostitution business.
Late at night at the Double R Diner, Heidi and Shelly serve customers while Norma goes through some paperwork. A man runs in and asks if anyone has seen Billy before running out again.
Bobby visits his mother with Truman and Hawk to ask about Cooper; her husband Major Briggs long ago foretold their arrival, and she gives them a cylinder containing a location, date, and Cooper's name written twice.
Johnny Horne injures himself, and Jerry Horne hallucinates his foot is talking to him.
Truman removes a slip of paper with directions, which Bobby understands, noting the "Jack Rabbits Palace" to be an imaginary place he and his father had during his childhood. Also in the object is the transmission Briggs intercepted with Cooper's name.
Ben and Beverly again investigate the strange noise in the hotel, which Ben likens to a monastery bell. The two nearly share a romantic moment, but Ben politely refuses.
Richard Horne confronts Miriam, who tells him she has written to Sheriff Truman about the hit-and-run. He attacks her and leaves her for dead in her trailer, then has Deputy Chad intercept the letter.
Carl plays guitar and sings outside of his trailer and stops when a red mug is thrown through a trailer window by Steven Burnett, who is inside abusing Becky.
Jerry, lost in the woods, yells when he loses phone signal.
Richard attacks his grandmother Sylvia in her home and robs her. She calls Ben and demands money from him. Ben asks Beverly to have dinner with him.
Hawk receives another call from the Log Lady, who tells him "Laura is the one."
A group of children discover Miriam crawling from the underbrush.
Becky learns Steven has been cheating on her with Gersten Hayward. She drives to Gersten's apartment and shoots through the door, but the couple are elsewhere. At the diner, Becky's parents, Shelly and Bobby, discuss the incident with her. Red arrives and Shelly leaves to kiss him. A child fires a gun through the diner window, causing a commotion.
While Hawk and Truman study an ancient map, the Log Lady calls Hawk and tells him "There's fire where you are going."
Jerry runs out of the woods and into a clearing.
Sarah Palmer buys alcoholic beverages and cigarettes at a grocery store. She also inquires about an unfamiliar jerky being sold at the store. She warns them of men coming and suffers a breakdown.
Carl Rodd stops a trailer park resident, Kriscol, asking him about his income and gives him $50, saying not to pay his rent for the month.
Hawk goes to Sarah's home. He hears a noise inside, which Sarah dismisses as something in the kitchen. Hawk ensures her that if she needs anything, to call him.
Miriam lays unconscious in a hospital bed at Calhoun Memorial Hospital.
Audrey Horne demands that her husband, Charlie, help her find Billy, her missing lover. He reluctantly phones Tina, and is astonished by what she tells him, but does not tell Audrey what Tina said.
Frank Truman visits Ben Horne to tell him his grandson Richard killed the boy in the hit-and-run, and then attempted to kill the only witness, Miriam. Ben gives Frank the key to Room 315 as a memento for Harry, and agrees to pay Miriam's medical costs. At the Double R Diner, Shelly gets a phone call from Becky, who says that Steven has been absent for two days and she is worried about him. Shelly invites her daughter to the diner for pie.
Bobby goes to the diner and visits with Ed and Norma. He describes to them that he came across some belongings of his father. Walter Lawford soon shows up to join Norma and Ed and Bobby move to another booth. Walter reports on the franchise progress of the diner, saying that she is selling her pies too cheap, though she disagrees with the franchise stores' practices compared to the flagship store.
At Run Silent, Run Drapes, Nadine is visited by Jacoby after he spotted one of his shovels in the window. He expresses his admiration for the decoration and she praises him and his show. They reflect on their last meeting at a supermarket during a storm.
Sarah watches boxing as she drinks.
A near-hysterical Audrey demands Charlie to tell him what Tina had told him. He tells her to go to the Roadhouse to see if Billy is there, offering to go with her, though she is indecisive and breaks down crying.
At the Roadhouse, an MC introduces James Hurley, who performs "Just You" as a clearly moved Renee watches. Ed sits alone at Big Ed's Gas Farm. Frank informs Gordon that pages found from Laura’s diary suggest the existence of two Coopers. Chad is arrested. Frank, Hawk, Bobby and Andy follow Major Briggs's instructions and find Naido naked in the woods.
After touching her, Andy is transported via a vortex to the Fireman, who shows him visions of the events in New York New Mexico, Laura, two Coopers, Lucy and an electrical pole numbered 6 flashed three times.
Andy returns and carries Naido to the Sheriff's Department. James learns from fellow Great Northern security guard Freddie that he bought a strength-enhancing rubber glove and moved to Twin Peaks from London after a vision of the Fireman. James notices a strange hum in the boiler room.
Sarah rebuffs a trucker's advances at a bar. When he insults her, she opens her face, revealing darkness, and bites his throat, killing him.
At the Roadhouse, Megan (Tina's daughter) and Sophie discuss Billy, who stormed in and out of Megan's kitchen, bleeding from his nose.
Nadine Hurley walks along the street, proudly displaying her gold shovel. She reaches Big Ed's Gas Farm and tells Ed that she has changed, having come to the realization that he only stayed with her due to his guilt, so she decides to "free" him, giving her blessing for him to pursue Norma. She then leaves a shocked Ed at the Gas Farm. Ed goes to the Double R Diner to whisk away Norma, but she apologizes as Walter joins her. Crushed, he sits down and orders a coffee from Shelly, adding "and a cyanide tablet." Norma tells Walter to take over the franchise and to leave her with the flagship diner, as she wishes to spend more time with the family she has made through the diner. Baffled, Walter tells her she has made a mistake and leaves. Norma goes to Ed and he asks her to marry him. They embrace and Norma agrees to Ed's proposal as Shelly watches with glee.
Cyril Pons walks through the woods with his dog as Steven and Gersten Hayward hide in the shadow of a large tree. Steven has a gun with him and is contemplating suicide, while Gersten tries to console him. Pons sees them, and Gersten runs to a different hiding place before hearing a gunshot. Pons reaches the trailer park and tells Carl about the situation. They look over at Steven and Becky's trailer, with the window still broken from their last fight.
At the Roadhouse, the crowd dances to "Sharp Dressed Man" as James and Freddie approach Renee's table. Chuck, her husband, attacks him and Freddie comes to his aid with his gloved fist, knocking Chuck and his friend out. James urges the crowd to contact 9-1-1 for the men Freddie incapacitated. At the Twin Peaks Sheriff's Department, Hawk and Bobby lock up James and Freddie. James takes notice of Naido.
Margaret calls Hawk, telling him that she is dying. He expresses his condolences, but she speaks to him about death and tells him to remember everything that she has told him and to watch for "the one." Hawk quietly says goodbye as she hangs up. Frank sits in the conference room, soon joined by Bobby, Lucy, Andy, and Hawk, who has assembled them to mourn Margaret, who has passed away. The light inside her cabin goes out.
Audrey and Charlie prepare to leave for the Roadhouse, though Audrey delays them, commenting that Charlie now seems like a different person to her. Charlie takes off his coat and Audrey attacks him.
At the Roadhouse, The Veils perform "Axolotl" as two men remove Ruby from her booth. She crawls on the floor and screams.
Cooper's doppelganger and Richard drive down a dirt road and make their way to the coordinates that were given to the doppelganger. Jerry sees them as they approach a rock, which Richard is instructed to inspect. On top of the rock, he receives an electric shock and is disintegrated. The doppelganger says "goodbye, my son", then sends -a text reading, ":-) ALL" and gets in his truck.
At the Roadhouse, the MC welcomes Edward Louis Severson III. Audrey and Charlie arrive and sit at the bar. The MC then introduces "Audrey's Dance" and the floor clears for her to dance until a jealous husband starts a fight. Audrey runs to Charlie, asking him to get her out, but she finds herself in a white room, looking at a mirror. The Roadhouse band continues to play, but in reverse.